inner groanings.

i'm weeping.

Crying doesn't do good for those that are sick. My head was already hurting, now it's pounding.

It would be one thing if i was crying over the crazy decisions and life changes i have to make. i know some of those are worth weeping over. Right now though i am weeping for more horrendous reasons.

What do you do when you're reminded of the emotions, the looks, the words, the persons that were influential of your earlier bouts of intense depression and self-mutilation? When those you would turn to for comfort are the those reminding you?

You turn to God.

That is the correct answer. Why is it so hard to do at times? Why can't it be easier? I'm praying right now in the sense that i feel my inner groanings crying out and my voice whispering the sweet name of Jesus, bust is that prayer enough. i feel myself calming, but has anything come from this time? Have i grown... whether in maturity, or in faith, or more in love? or have i just curbed emotion into writing instead of fully turning to my Creator?

God hear me from heaven. Come heal this heart... not just the open wounds, but those i've bandaged over for quite some time. i am yearning for arms to hold me, but i want to just yearn for your arms. i want to yearn for just you. Hear me Lord, hear me! Hold me Lord, hold me.

i love you.

Give me wisdom on what to do next. Keep my hands from harming.

i love you.

attention

you ever get the place where you're calling out... I WANT ATTENTION?

well that's where i am right now. but my head is throbbing and such... i don't think i could really handle attention.

but i wonder. why do i feel that way? i'm sure its natural eh? everyone wants attention at some points, but is it right? do we really NEED attention? if someone is attention starved they are desiring attention. to me the word starve would insinuate that one is not getting the right amount of something that it needs. thus being starved.

so if im desiring attention right now.... what should i do? should i gather myself up and deal with it or should i search out people give them attention and hope they return the favor?

why is attention so important? why do i crave to be seen? not all the time, i just want to know you see me, hear me, enjoy me. but why? what within me is starved? why attention?

hmmmm

another issue of the heart.

two friends, that arent so much friends anymore. problems on both ends... theirs and mine. right now the issue with me though is mine. i cant change them and right now it almost seems like i cant change me. thats what bothers me. i say i want change but if i did, wouldn't i be really seeking God right now? i should. i'm afraid he will say the problem is with me, but leave me with my remorse without giving me a way of redemption, at least redemption how i can grasp it. i know its not about grasping it, i dont need to understand. yet sometimes i feel i do. i dont want forgiveness unless i think its deserved. that thought used to be just reserved for me, and for the most part it still is. slowly though i see it creeping into the way i view others too. this here lies my problem. i think.

but i'm also afraid he'll tell me everythings fine. but that would leave me with an unfixable heart throbbing. why God have you made me so sensitive. not too petty matters thrown at me. call me names, punch me, hurt my feelings. fine i can deal with it. but give me some form of conscience issue and i find myself wanting to writhe on the floor. i feel like i deserve a lynching. and maybe i do. maybe we all do, but that's not the point. everyone tells me lynching is wrong, including doing it to myself. but how do i get clean? well i know the answer, the christianly correct answer. and try my hardest its difficult for me to believe it. i'm so sensitive im tough. if that works.

prepare my heart. clear up the ten inch road block between my head and heart. i dont wanna just know the truth, i want to believe and LIVE the truth. God please do something in me. i need more than this mundane i've allowed my relationship fall into. forgive me and cleanse me. keep me from the evil one... and from satan.

365 days of forgiveness.

Being back home has brought some memories back to me. obviously. some good... some not so good. the latter is my reason for writing.

its crazy you know, i haven't even seen certain people, yet i can't get my mind off of 'em.

i see the long grass sticking through the snow... yellow with death, but still acting alive. stubborn and ugly. not willing to succumb to a beautiful white death. waiting for spring hoping this next year will be different. hoping they'll get more attention than the wild flowers, finally noticed for something. but i'm reminded that just doesn't happen. least not here, not in memory lane.

i remember being treated as if i was a wildflower by someone other than my parents and friends... okay by a boy. a boy old enough to be a man, but i don't know if he was. i was scared of the attention at first, not used it. but i loved it. started buying that maybe i was a beautiful wildflower, but of course the moment i cinched my belief was followed by the moments that showed me how much of a tall grass weed i was. at least to this boy.

over 365 days of forgiving. does it really take that long? well Lord i'll choose it again. for another 365+ days, as long as it takes. i choose to forgive. its not a feeling but an action and right now i move to that.

guys and gals

i was with a group guys in one of the dorms... there were a couple other girls but mostly guys. from the other hall comes a group of girls to walk down the stairs. the pretty girl types that dress all nice all the time. the ones that always look cute. a couple of the guys noticed and i just so happened to be in the middle of them. i heard them discuss the fact that they should be in that hall not this one, they wondered aloud why there were here.

i know no harm was meant, but it kinda hurt. It's not that i want these guy's attention, but to know i'm not enough to keep them. to know if they felt they had a choice (or a chance) they would choose others than me and my friend. i know im not some hot chick... dont even think i want to be, but the thought that i dont attract or that im less than desirable is a little painful.

just a lil.

and todays struggle with pride

I just finished reading today my freshman writing book, Finding Calcutta by Mary Poplin.

It's about Mary Poplin's sabbatical volunteering in Calcutta working alongside of Mother Teresa and the missionaries of Charity. Beautiful book. I would suggest it.

After reading it, I have decided I have a confession to make. And whether anyone reads this or not... I only have two followers right now... haha... it's my confession.

I have dreaded being a music major since coming to APU. Overall its not been a bad experience, but its been rough. I really don't know what my true issue is, but the whole concept of me doing music scares me. I don't feel my brain computes with this. While at this moment I still don't feel I want to continue beyond this semester with music majoring (not giving up on music, just not making it my one and only focus), I am determining now to do my best on not relying on my own strength to do it. Cause I'm right... I personally can't do it.

But God is the one who has called me here, He is the one who will provide the means to complete this task... whether just for this semester of for beyond.

Two quotes from Finding Calcutta I'd like to share go as follows:
"My pride not only gives me the illusion that I am the master of my fate, but it also causes me to limit what I will attempt. Knowing my natural limitations, I narrow my work accordingly. Yet Mother saw her "nothingness" and God's greatness, and in due course established a worldwide organization (34)"
"If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinion. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult to practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus (94)."

I realize even though I have been saying... "God I am doing your will"... I'm not fully submitting to it. I am in some sorts, but my heart and all of me aren't fully released to God. Because of pride in myself I have held onto parts of it. And this in turn has brought me stress, discouragement, a feeling of being crippled, and overall lack of peace. I can't do this on my own. It's kinda nice to know that I don't have to. Neither do you.

still

still.. raphah- Hebrew- relax, let go, faint, sink down, let down, leave off, abandon

cease

cease what? let go of what? abandon what?

Psalm 46:10
be still and know I am God...

literally leave of [your own attempts] and know.

stop trying to make it happen on your own. its not gonna work.

Psalm 46:10b
...I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

my own attempts to make things happen... my own attempts even to make God's name be exalted in the world will fail. its not up to me to do it. its up to me to cease my own attempts and realize who God is, who i am through Him.

be still... cease your own attempts