Unfathomable Grace

My head is throbbing. I feel like something is slowly trying to chip its way through my skull, and, if it would cease this pain, I wouldn't mind if it succeeded.

There hasn't been very many days in the last month or so that I haven't dealt with some sort of ailment. It's been suggested that my body is building its immune system to deal with my newest relocation.

Relocation. this is the sixth place I've stayed in the last year. There's one more move coming up soon. This move involves a relatively more permanent place... and my own bed. How sweet the words!

With my immune system taking a beating the last little while, I've been reflecting a lot. Not necessarily in a good way. I can easily get stuck in my own head, and for multiple reasons ranging from ...
Big changes (you know, moving countries and everything that comes with that) to
Feeling lonely to
Personal sin (and the shame that follows) to
lots of uncertainty...
I haven't really enjoyed my head lately.

When I don't enjoy my thoughts, I tend to find ways to distract them. This leads me to wasting time in many forms (none of which are studying Polish or something useful like that, because why would I do that?), which in turn leads me to more thoughts of disdain. Oh the cycle!

I know I'm not the only one. I've read and heard from others who have been in a similar cycle recently... which is one of two reasons why I am sharing this. The other reason is for my own personal sanity. What stays in the dark, stays with you.

Even with this emotional torrent that has been stirring inside me the last month.. I feel something different tonight. I know it's been there the whole time, but maybe because I'm finally allowing myself to accept it, can I finally feel it.

Unfathomable Grace.

Physically my head is throbbing in pain. Emotionally I feel as though a couple layers of skin have been removed form me, and I am raw and tender to everything. My mind seems to be playing a video loop of memories and thoughts glazed with shame. I know it's there, playing within my peripheral. I can see it, but I'm not looking at it. Not any more.

In my spirit I feel a thick, cool salve being gently applied and wrapped around my wounds. Nothing I have done is deserving of the level of sweetness of relief it brings, yet it's there. And the grace grows.

Once again this month I am overwhelmed, but it's different this time.

Unfathomable grace.