Unfathomable Grace

My head is throbbing. I feel like something is slowly trying to chip its way through my skull, and, if it would cease this pain, I wouldn't mind if it succeeded.

There hasn't been very many days in the last month or so that I haven't dealt with some sort of ailment. It's been suggested that my body is building its immune system to deal with my newest relocation.

Relocation. this is the sixth place I've stayed in the last year. There's one more move coming up soon. This move involves a relatively more permanent place... and my own bed. How sweet the words!

With my immune system taking a beating the last little while, I've been reflecting a lot. Not necessarily in a good way. I can easily get stuck in my own head, and for multiple reasons ranging from ...
Big changes (you know, moving countries and everything that comes with that) to
Feeling lonely to
Personal sin (and the shame that follows) to
lots of uncertainty...
I haven't really enjoyed my head lately.

When I don't enjoy my thoughts, I tend to find ways to distract them. This leads me to wasting time in many forms (none of which are studying Polish or something useful like that, because why would I do that?), which in turn leads me to more thoughts of disdain. Oh the cycle!

I know I'm not the only one. I've read and heard from others who have been in a similar cycle recently... which is one of two reasons why I am sharing this. The other reason is for my own personal sanity. What stays in the dark, stays with you.

Even with this emotional torrent that has been stirring inside me the last month.. I feel something different tonight. I know it's been there the whole time, but maybe because I'm finally allowing myself to accept it, can I finally feel it.

Unfathomable Grace.

Physically my head is throbbing in pain. Emotionally I feel as though a couple layers of skin have been removed form me, and I am raw and tender to everything. My mind seems to be playing a video loop of memories and thoughts glazed with shame. I know it's there, playing within my peripheral. I can see it, but I'm not looking at it. Not any more.

In my spirit I feel a thick, cool salve being gently applied and wrapped around my wounds. Nothing I have done is deserving of the level of sweetness of relief it brings, yet it's there. And the grace grows.

Once again this month I am overwhelmed, but it's different this time.

Unfathomable grace.

10:25 PM

Hope comes and spreads
Like molasses
Over the burnt edges
Of the heart

10:25 PM

A time for healing
And rest

A wonder to behold

A thought in the dark
Revealed in the light

Joy of the Lord?

My cheeks burn
Salty tears have dripped them raw.

My body shakes
Shivers and ripples of mourning.

My mind incoherent
Woulda, coulda, shoulda's spinning.

My heart aches
Pining for comforting arms

My head pounds
Angry fists ream behind my eyes

My ears strain
The joy of the Lord is my strength?

My soul cries
Let me know the truth.

My ears strain
The joy of the Lord is my strength?

My spirit hopes
Let it be the truth.

My ears strain
The joy of the Lord is my strength?

The Spirit beckons
This is the Truth.

My ears sigh
The joy of The Lord is my strength.

There is Ever Yet a Battle

There is ever yet a battle.

A constant fight for my attentions.

As though two lovers would have my heart.

But are they my lovers?
Am I theirs?

Do I choose

Do I love

The one that truly loves me back

Or do I prey into the consuming

Of the one who would seduce my destruction

The one who would seduce my destruction

It is though I am paper

Easily blown by the breeze

Easily burned by the fire

Carried away

And ashed

Then carried away again

There is ever yet a battle

One promises to keep and hold me

Protect me

Lead me

Love me

Guide me

One promises freedom

My wishes granted

No strings on my kite

But to fly free in the wind

Fly free to my destruction

False freedom seduces me to my destruction

So what do I do?

It is easier to please the moment’s desire

Than to work for the grandest of prizes

Yet is it worth it.

There is ever yet a battle

I choose the outcome

To not choose is to

I may choose to walk

Into the arms of love

Of my Lover

I may choose to stand still

Waste away

Into the icy claws of temptation

Momentary delicious temptation

As I write it seems plain and clear

Foolishness is evident with ink

If only I had a pen

For every moment of battle

There is ever yet a battle

And I have the choice

And I have the pen before me

And I have the wisdom before me

I will seize the moment

This moment of clarity

And pray it strengthens my wisdom

For there is ever yet a battle

There is ever yet a battle

And I will choose the outcome 

Your Hands Cover Mine

Have I put You first?

Have I put You most?

Have I loved You first?
Have I loved You most?

I fear these questions

For I fear their answers

I sorrow at these questions

For I sorrow at their answers

What is repentance

Without penance

Yet, I’m further from repentance

The more I give my penance

My sacrifice is nothing

Without obedience

I sacrifice nothing

Without obedience

You are holy

I am not

Great is your holiness

Great is my not

I look at my hands

I see their dirty weakness

I look at your hands

I see their perfect strength

I give my hands to you

Your hands cover mine

I give my filth to you

Your holy covers me

I am not

You are all

You took my not

You gave me all

Time after time

Curse after curse

Fail after fail

Sin after sin

My sin on a tree

The death of me

My God on a tree

The life of me

I look at my hands

I see their dirty weakness

I look at your hands

I see their perfect strength

I give my hands to you

Your hands cover mine

I give my filth to you

Your holy covers me

A price beyond what I can pay

I have found a Redeemer

A love beyond penance

I have found repentance

I am Yours, I am loved
Your hands cover me

I am Yours, I am loved

I am Yours, I am loved

Achingly Returning

Last night I spoke with an old friend that I had not been in contact with for the last couple years. We were pretty good friends back then. At least I thought so. It seemed though, that ignoring my calls and texts and Facebook writings came as easily as breathing. Obviously I was hurt and saddened by all this. Any time this friend's name came up or a memory with said person passed through my mind I would volley emotionally back and forth between feeling angry and unwanted, undesirable, rejected.

It's interesting though, when I realized that this old friend was initiating conversation, these feelings did flare up, but they were so eclipsed by my excitement of the possibility of renewed friendship that I had to remind myself I was "mad" at this person. I wanted to know why, but at the same time, for the night, it didn't really matter. I hope there's many more chances for dialogue in the near future.

But it's not really the friend that I'm wanting to write about.

During the moments between texts that preceded our phone call, I was amazed at the emotion within me. The desire to cling to this person in a never-ending hug was probably one of my strongest pulls to ever do so. If distance wasn't such an issue I may have done such that. My emotions didn't so much surprise me as they amazed me with a certain revelation.

At one moment I saw a picture of me returning to the throne room of God. By the look on my face and the split second of feeling my heart, I realized I was coming back not to draw near, but because I had done wrong. I looked so shameful, but at the same moment I was able to feel what my Creator was feeling. It was how I felt about my friend, except stronger. As disappointed and hurt as I was about my friend's rejection of me, I was a 100x's more rejoicing at their return and aching to be ever nearer. I felt as God was telling me that's what it's like when we return to Him.

There's a song I really enjoy by the Vespers. It's called "Will You Love Me" and it's basically talking about returning to God asking if He still loves. We know the answer, but it's hard to believe sometimes. But He's there. Waiting. Forgiving. Loving. In the moment of shame He silences fears with tenderness and a giant hug.

I know this returning to Him doesn't excuse me from anything I've done. As I will be soon seeking to root out some hurts with my friend for the sake our friendship, God will bring us back to what we did in order to heal the wounds. And I'm glad. It's what will make the friendship good. It's what makes the trust come back. It gives hope.

I don't know if this made sense to any of the five people who read my blogs, but I hope you realize how desperately God wants you, and how ready He is for you to jump into His arms.

I Am Hungry

I am hungry.
Not an unusual thing.

And of course,
My innate propensity
Is to satisfy
This natural occurrence.

The frequency of hunger
Has led me to make
Habits.

Yes habits,
Good and bad,
That fill my stomach.

Sadly, though
It seems,
The bad is more oft.

Junk food.
Sweets and worthless calories.
Gorging
Even on "good" food.

What satisfies me now?
What do I crave?

I am hungry.
How will I feed myself?
Do I follow my habits?
Or do I recreate?

I am hungry.
How will I feed my soul today?