Single

Last night I talked with friend with whom I trade prayer requests periodically. Our prior prayer request trading he spoke of wanting his heart prepared and receiving direction in the pursuit of a woman. I'm not the greatest at remembering to pray all the time, so I prayed as soon as we stopped conversing.

As we updated last night he told me of an experience he had when he went to a worship event right after we had last chatted. He said that God spoke to him. That God asked him to pursue Him and be with Him and such (I don't remember exact words and don't want to butcher the what he shared). He said that it was the first time he ever really WANTED to be single. Content in singleness is what I got out of it. After we finished talking, I laid in bed halfway asleep, thinking, and two things struck me from this.

First, mere hours, if even that, after we prayed for God to give direction and prepare his heart... God began to answer. What better preparation of the heart than spending time with God, focusing on Him? What better way to truly find direction than with unspoiled contentedness? I thought that was cool. Gotta love my God.

Second, this young man has dated before, and while I have technically been on a date or two, I have never dated nor have I been 1/2 of a couple before. Bringing up his feeling of wanting to be single, he mentioned that it has been a while since he's been in a relationship. My unvoiced thoughts responded in a somewhat prideful manner, "Huh, I've been single my whole life." No longer than a moment passed before I was mentally checked. This contentedness in single life has nothing to do with how long one has been single. My being single didn't stem just from choice. Pride, fear, wisdom, and lack of prospects has kept me in this state. Some of the time I have been content, but I have to admit most of my recent history has been riddled with seeking out "the one," grumbling to God about loneliness, and cuddling up to my pillows wishing it were a warm, loving, good looking husband ;).
So as I listened to this man of God speak of the words that God had beckoned him with, I felt like God was beckoning me.

I want to answer His call. I want to be content in my singleness. Trusting fully in His path for me. :) Good God, good stuff.

Try Harder

After a long day of not talking with God much, putting Him on the back burner during my free time, and avoiding quality time because I didn't want to feel bad for procrastinating, I finally decided I needed to take communion before going to bed.

During the quiet of getting my heart right, I began my feeble apologies. Feeble... not that I wasn't sincere; I was just tired of being at that place again. Even as I continued the humbled cries, my mind's eye saw a kiss land upon my cheek.

At that moment I knew that God didn't want me continue this way. He didn't want to beat me. He didn't want me to dwell and wallow on my own filth. He didn't even want me to try harder.

It was that last thought that caused me most pause. He didn't want me to try harder...? Are we sure about this? Trying harder has always been my thought. That's how I fix things. I thought that's what He wanted me to do.

But those moments that followed these thoughts brought clarity for the briefest of times. So here I am trying to record it. He didn't want me to say I'll try harder, all He wanted was for me to receive His love. So I did.

And will continue to do throughout this night. I hope I will be wise enough to continue tomorrow.

Joy can be a strange thing.

Joy can be a strange thing.

Every time a heart's tear splatters into my stomach, at least ten jolts of laughter come forth.
It doesn't happen right away most days; sometimes it takes weeks for the tear to fall that far. When it does though... it's good.

Like this morning. My days have not been bad lately, just hard. A lot pressing upon me and a lot rising up within me. The combination has made tears and a heavy heart kind of the norm. Even with this though, I have not been overtly distressed. Depression has not sunk it's teeth into me. Joy still is there, even in the tears.

Right now, my stomach aches... a dull gut feeling. It's coming from the thoughts of all that has been on me lately. Even with this feeling though I feel the splatters of long falling tears. They tickle. I haven't even gotten into the Word yet today, but such a joy in the Lord! I could just stay here... listen to music that glorifies Him, read blogs and thoughts of those who love Him, sit in silence waiting for Him. If He doesn't come tangibly I still know He's here. How amazing is that!!!!

What a joy that can sprout from sorrow. There is still much heaviness and I know much will have to be worked out in the next few days. Many more tears will be cried this weekend. There will probably be more moments of writhing from the pain in my being. I'm sure disappointments will try to eclipse the hope I have as I journey these coming evenings. In all of this though, I will joy in the Lord. In all of this I know multitudes of laughter will bubble up from my belly.

When it finally does, watch out Hell! The power of my weeping to bring healing is nothing compared to the power of the laughter that God uses in me to crumble your walls and foundations!

today's prinking

I don't like this Lord.
I don't know what to do.
But I'm thinking I don't have to.
I gave You my heart.
YOU protect it.
Sounds good.
Amen.