hmmmm

another issue of the heart.

two friends, that arent so much friends anymore. problems on both ends... theirs and mine. right now the issue with me though is mine. i cant change them and right now it almost seems like i cant change me. thats what bothers me. i say i want change but if i did, wouldn't i be really seeking God right now? i should. i'm afraid he will say the problem is with me, but leave me with my remorse without giving me a way of redemption, at least redemption how i can grasp it. i know its not about grasping it, i dont need to understand. yet sometimes i feel i do. i dont want forgiveness unless i think its deserved. that thought used to be just reserved for me, and for the most part it still is. slowly though i see it creeping into the way i view others too. this here lies my problem. i think.

but i'm also afraid he'll tell me everythings fine. but that would leave me with an unfixable heart throbbing. why God have you made me so sensitive. not too petty matters thrown at me. call me names, punch me, hurt my feelings. fine i can deal with it. but give me some form of conscience issue and i find myself wanting to writhe on the floor. i feel like i deserve a lynching. and maybe i do. maybe we all do, but that's not the point. everyone tells me lynching is wrong, including doing it to myself. but how do i get clean? well i know the answer, the christianly correct answer. and try my hardest its difficult for me to believe it. i'm so sensitive im tough. if that works.

prepare my heart. clear up the ten inch road block between my head and heart. i dont wanna just know the truth, i want to believe and LIVE the truth. God please do something in me. i need more than this mundane i've allowed my relationship fall into. forgive me and cleanse me. keep me from the evil one... and from satan.

365 days of forgiveness.

Being back home has brought some memories back to me. obviously. some good... some not so good. the latter is my reason for writing.

its crazy you know, i haven't even seen certain people, yet i can't get my mind off of 'em.

i see the long grass sticking through the snow... yellow with death, but still acting alive. stubborn and ugly. not willing to succumb to a beautiful white death. waiting for spring hoping this next year will be different. hoping they'll get more attention than the wild flowers, finally noticed for something. but i'm reminded that just doesn't happen. least not here, not in memory lane.

i remember being treated as if i was a wildflower by someone other than my parents and friends... okay by a boy. a boy old enough to be a man, but i don't know if he was. i was scared of the attention at first, not used it. but i loved it. started buying that maybe i was a beautiful wildflower, but of course the moment i cinched my belief was followed by the moments that showed me how much of a tall grass weed i was. at least to this boy.

over 365 days of forgiving. does it really take that long? well Lord i'll choose it again. for another 365+ days, as long as it takes. i choose to forgive. its not a feeling but an action and right now i move to that.