hmmmm

another issue of the heart.

two friends, that arent so much friends anymore. problems on both ends... theirs and mine. right now the issue with me though is mine. i cant change them and right now it almost seems like i cant change me. thats what bothers me. i say i want change but if i did, wouldn't i be really seeking God right now? i should. i'm afraid he will say the problem is with me, but leave me with my remorse without giving me a way of redemption, at least redemption how i can grasp it. i know its not about grasping it, i dont need to understand. yet sometimes i feel i do. i dont want forgiveness unless i think its deserved. that thought used to be just reserved for me, and for the most part it still is. slowly though i see it creeping into the way i view others too. this here lies my problem. i think.

but i'm also afraid he'll tell me everythings fine. but that would leave me with an unfixable heart throbbing. why God have you made me so sensitive. not too petty matters thrown at me. call me names, punch me, hurt my feelings. fine i can deal with it. but give me some form of conscience issue and i find myself wanting to writhe on the floor. i feel like i deserve a lynching. and maybe i do. maybe we all do, but that's not the point. everyone tells me lynching is wrong, including doing it to myself. but how do i get clean? well i know the answer, the christianly correct answer. and try my hardest its difficult for me to believe it. i'm so sensitive im tough. if that works.

prepare my heart. clear up the ten inch road block between my head and heart. i dont wanna just know the truth, i want to believe and LIVE the truth. God please do something in me. i need more than this mundane i've allowed my relationship fall into. forgive me and cleanse me. keep me from the evil one... and from satan.