inner groanings.

i'm weeping.

Crying doesn't do good for those that are sick. My head was already hurting, now it's pounding.

It would be one thing if i was crying over the crazy decisions and life changes i have to make. i know some of those are worth weeping over. Right now though i am weeping for more horrendous reasons.

What do you do when you're reminded of the emotions, the looks, the words, the persons that were influential of your earlier bouts of intense depression and self-mutilation? When those you would turn to for comfort are the those reminding you?

You turn to God.

That is the correct answer. Why is it so hard to do at times? Why can't it be easier? I'm praying right now in the sense that i feel my inner groanings crying out and my voice whispering the sweet name of Jesus, bust is that prayer enough. i feel myself calming, but has anything come from this time? Have i grown... whether in maturity, or in faith, or more in love? or have i just curbed emotion into writing instead of fully turning to my Creator?

God hear me from heaven. Come heal this heart... not just the open wounds, but those i've bandaged over for quite some time. i am yearning for arms to hold me, but i want to just yearn for your arms. i want to yearn for just you. Hear me Lord, hear me! Hold me Lord, hold me.

i love you.

Give me wisdom on what to do next. Keep my hands from harming.

i love you.

attention

you ever get the place where you're calling out... I WANT ATTENTION?

well that's where i am right now. but my head is throbbing and such... i don't think i could really handle attention.

but i wonder. why do i feel that way? i'm sure its natural eh? everyone wants attention at some points, but is it right? do we really NEED attention? if someone is attention starved they are desiring attention. to me the word starve would insinuate that one is not getting the right amount of something that it needs. thus being starved.

so if im desiring attention right now.... what should i do? should i gather myself up and deal with it or should i search out people give them attention and hope they return the favor?

why is attention so important? why do i crave to be seen? not all the time, i just want to know you see me, hear me, enjoy me. but why? what within me is starved? why attention?