inner groanings.

i'm weeping.

Crying doesn't do good for those that are sick. My head was already hurting, now it's pounding.

It would be one thing if i was crying over the crazy decisions and life changes i have to make. i know some of those are worth weeping over. Right now though i am weeping for more horrendous reasons.

What do you do when you're reminded of the emotions, the looks, the words, the persons that were influential of your earlier bouts of intense depression and self-mutilation? When those you would turn to for comfort are the those reminding you?

You turn to God.

That is the correct answer. Why is it so hard to do at times? Why can't it be easier? I'm praying right now in the sense that i feel my inner groanings crying out and my voice whispering the sweet name of Jesus, bust is that prayer enough. i feel myself calming, but has anything come from this time? Have i grown... whether in maturity, or in faith, or more in love? or have i just curbed emotion into writing instead of fully turning to my Creator?

God hear me from heaven. Come heal this heart... not just the open wounds, but those i've bandaged over for quite some time. i am yearning for arms to hold me, but i want to just yearn for your arms. i want to yearn for just you. Hear me Lord, hear me! Hold me Lord, hold me.

i love you.

Give me wisdom on what to do next. Keep my hands from harming.

i love you.