another issue of the heart.
two friends, that arent so much friends anymore. problems on both ends... theirs and mine. right now the issue with me though is mine. i cant change them and right now it almost seems like i cant change me. thats what bothers me. i say i want change but if i did, wouldn't i be really seeking God right now? i should. i'm afraid he will say the problem is with me, but leave me with my remorse without giving me a way of redemption, at least redemption how i can grasp it. i know its not about grasping it, i dont need to understand. yet sometimes i feel i do. i dont want forgiveness unless i think its deserved. that thought used to be just reserved for me, and for the most part it still is. slowly though i see it creeping into the way i view others too. this here lies my problem. i think.
but i'm also afraid he'll tell me everythings fine. but that would leave me with an unfixable heart throbbing. why God have you made me so sensitive. not too petty matters thrown at me. call me names, punch me, hurt my feelings. fine i can deal with it. but give me some form of conscience issue and i find myself wanting to writhe on the floor. i feel like i deserve a lynching. and maybe i do. maybe we all do, but that's not the point. everyone tells me lynching is wrong, including doing it to myself. but how do i get clean? well i know the answer, the christianly correct answer. and try my hardest its difficult for me to believe it. i'm so sensitive im tough. if that works.
prepare my heart. clear up the ten inch road block between my head and heart. i dont wanna just know the truth, i want to believe and LIVE the truth. God please do something in me. i need more than this mundane i've allowed my relationship fall into. forgive me and cleanse me. keep me from the evil one... and from satan.
... not just writing to her own beat, but that of the Master.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
365 days of forgiveness.
Being back home has brought some memories back to me. obviously. some good... some not so good. the latter is my reason for writing.
its crazy you know, i haven't even seen certain people, yet i can't get my mind off of 'em.
i see the long grass sticking through the snow... yellow with death, but still acting alive. stubborn and ugly. not willing to succumb to a beautiful white death. waiting for spring hoping this next year will be different. hoping they'll get more attention than the wild flowers, finally noticed for something. but i'm reminded that just doesn't happen. least not here, not in memory lane.
i remember being treated as if i was a wildflower by someone other than my parents and friends... okay by a boy. a boy old enough to be a man, but i don't know if he was. i was scared of the attention at first, not used it. but i loved it. started buying that maybe i was a beautiful wildflower, but of course the moment i cinched my belief was followed by the moments that showed me how much of a tall grass weed i was. at least to this boy.
over 365 days of forgiving. does it really take that long? well Lord i'll choose it again. for another 365+ days, as long as it takes. i choose to forgive. its not a feeling but an action and right now i move to that.
its crazy you know, i haven't even seen certain people, yet i can't get my mind off of 'em.
i see the long grass sticking through the snow... yellow with death, but still acting alive. stubborn and ugly. not willing to succumb to a beautiful white death. waiting for spring hoping this next year will be different. hoping they'll get more attention than the wild flowers, finally noticed for something. but i'm reminded that just doesn't happen. least not here, not in memory lane.
i remember being treated as if i was a wildflower by someone other than my parents and friends... okay by a boy. a boy old enough to be a man, but i don't know if he was. i was scared of the attention at first, not used it. but i loved it. started buying that maybe i was a beautiful wildflower, but of course the moment i cinched my belief was followed by the moments that showed me how much of a tall grass weed i was. at least to this boy.
over 365 days of forgiving. does it really take that long? well Lord i'll choose it again. for another 365+ days, as long as it takes. i choose to forgive. its not a feeling but an action and right now i move to that.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
guys and gals
i was with a group guys in one of the dorms... there were a couple other girls but mostly guys. from the other hall comes a group of girls to walk down the stairs. the pretty girl types that dress all nice all the time. the ones that always look cute. a couple of the guys noticed and i just so happened to be in the middle of them. i heard them discuss the fact that they should be in that hall not this one, they wondered aloud why there were here.
i know no harm was meant, but it kinda hurt. It's not that i want these guy's attention, but to know i'm not enough to keep them. to know if they felt they had a choice (or a chance) they would choose others than me and my friend. i know im not some hot chick... dont even think i want to be, but the thought that i dont attract or that im less than desirable is a little painful.
just a lil.
i know no harm was meant, but it kinda hurt. It's not that i want these guy's attention, but to know i'm not enough to keep them. to know if they felt they had a choice (or a chance) they would choose others than me and my friend. i know im not some hot chick... dont even think i want to be, but the thought that i dont attract or that im less than desirable is a little painful.
just a lil.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
and todays struggle with pride
I just finished reading today my freshman writing book, Finding Calcutta by Mary Poplin.
It's about Mary Poplin's sabbatical volunteering in Calcutta working alongside of Mother Teresa and the missionaries of Charity. Beautiful book. I would suggest it.
After reading it, I have decided I have a confession to make. And whether anyone reads this or not... I only have two followers right now... haha... it's my confession.
I have dreaded being a music major since coming to APU. Overall its not been a bad experience, but its been rough. I really don't know what my true issue is, but the whole concept of me doing music scares me. I don't feel my brain computes with this. While at this moment I still don't feel I want to continue beyond this semester with music majoring (not giving up on music, just not making it my one and only focus), I am determining now to do my best on not relying on my own strength to do it. Cause I'm right... I personally can't do it.
But God is the one who has called me here, He is the one who will provide the means to complete this task... whether just for this semester of for beyond.
Two quotes from Finding Calcutta I'd like to share go as follows:
"My pride not only gives me the illusion that I am the master of my fate, but it also causes me to limit what I will attempt. Knowing my natural limitations, I narrow my work accordingly. Yet Mother saw her "nothingness" and God's greatness, and in due course established a worldwide organization (34)"
"If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinion. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult to practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus (94)."
I realize even though I have been saying... "God I am doing your will"... I'm not fully submitting to it. I am in some sorts, but my heart and all of me aren't fully released to God. Because of pride in myself I have held onto parts of it. And this in turn has brought me stress, discouragement, a feeling of being crippled, and overall lack of peace. I can't do this on my own. It's kinda nice to know that I don't have to. Neither do you.
It's about Mary Poplin's sabbatical volunteering in Calcutta working alongside of Mother Teresa and the missionaries of Charity. Beautiful book. I would suggest it.
After reading it, I have decided I have a confession to make. And whether anyone reads this or not... I only have two followers right now... haha... it's my confession.
I have dreaded being a music major since coming to APU. Overall its not been a bad experience, but its been rough. I really don't know what my true issue is, but the whole concept of me doing music scares me. I don't feel my brain computes with this. While at this moment I still don't feel I want to continue beyond this semester with music majoring (not giving up on music, just not making it my one and only focus), I am determining now to do my best on not relying on my own strength to do it. Cause I'm right... I personally can't do it.
But God is the one who has called me here, He is the one who will provide the means to complete this task... whether just for this semester of for beyond.
Two quotes from Finding Calcutta I'd like to share go as follows:
"My pride not only gives me the illusion that I am the master of my fate, but it also causes me to limit what I will attempt. Knowing my natural limitations, I narrow my work accordingly. Yet Mother saw her "nothingness" and God's greatness, and in due course established a worldwide organization (34)"
"If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinion. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult to practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus (94)."
I realize even though I have been saying... "God I am doing your will"... I'm not fully submitting to it. I am in some sorts, but my heart and all of me aren't fully released to God. Because of pride in myself I have held onto parts of it. And this in turn has brought me stress, discouragement, a feeling of being crippled, and overall lack of peace. I can't do this on my own. It's kinda nice to know that I don't have to. Neither do you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
still
still.. raphah- Hebrew- relax, let go, faint, sink down, let down, leave off, abandon
cease
cease what? let go of what? abandon what?
Psalm 46:10
be still and know I am God...
literally leave of [your own attempts] and know.
stop trying to make it happen on your own. its not gonna work.
Psalm 46:10b
...I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
my own attempts to make things happen... my own attempts even to make God's name be exalted in the world will fail. its not up to me to do it. its up to me to cease my own attempts and realize who God is, who i am through Him.
be still... cease your own attempts
cease
cease what? let go of what? abandon what?
Psalm 46:10
be still and know I am God...
literally leave of [your own attempts] and know.
stop trying to make it happen on your own. its not gonna work.
Psalm 46:10b
...I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
my own attempts to make things happen... my own attempts even to make God's name be exalted in the world will fail. its not up to me to do it. its up to me to cease my own attempts and realize who God is, who i am through Him.
be still... cease your own attempts
whats with these walls?
so close yet hindered. i feel as though we are at a breaking point? but what are we breaking? what are we breaking through to?
i dont know, but i do know i want to find out. i can only imagine and am waiting for more. this is it.
whats it gonna take to break? what more do i give? what do WE do? who is this we? where do i belong... we belong?
show me father... show me my love.
i'm chipping away at this wall... more needs to happen we're almost there.... WHAT NOW?
be still?! what God?!!?
i want these walls to come crashing down... and you say no marching? no more pleading? what action are e to take... whats it gonna take?
being still? HOW?
i dont understand.... im aching to go, to move, to break down this wall... im stirring inside and all you want me to do is be STILL???? why!?!
what does it mean to be still?
so close yet hindered. i feel as though we are at a breaking point? but what are we breaking? what are we breaking through to?
i dont know, but i do know i want to find out. i can only imagine and am waiting for more. this is it.
whats it gonna take to break? what more do i give? what do WE do? who is this we? where do i belong... we belong?
show me father... show me my love.
i'm chipping away at this wall... more needs to happen we're almost there.... WHAT NOW?
be still?! what God?!!?
i want these walls to come crashing down... and you say no marching? no more pleading? what action are e to take... whats it gonna take?
being still? HOW?
i dont understand.... im aching to go, to move, to break down this wall... im stirring inside and all you want me to do is be STILL???? why!?!
what does it mean to be still?
Monday, October 5, 2009
a thought
Today at the Rising (the Sunday night young adults service i have been attending) talked about moving... going forward in doing God's will, serving in His kingdom. Great things said, i enjoyed the service.
We watched a short video about these children in Africa that have no shoes, so they get chiggers in their feet and it turns all nasty. its rampant and easily stopped with the help of shoes. we had an offering for them. im glad we did... i want them to have shoes.
we were also given the opportunity to put the shoes we were wearing onto the altar so that they may be passed out among the homeless of the area. also another good thing. i'm gladd we did it... i want them to have shoes too.
but a thought came to me- "we've done our good deed. time to go to life as normal."
i know that's not what God... or the pastor/speaker... or many people in the congregation really want, but it sure enough seems like its the norm of these type of services. i think that's why we have so many of them. if we continued faithfully to do the work set before us, we wouldnt need to talk about doing it.
i am sorrowed. and a lil stirred, which i guess is good. i'm glad i see where we're messed up, i'm messed up, cause now it means i can do something about it.
so i guess my prayer is that we we would be spurred into more than just throwing in a couple dollars in an offering. we took it a step further with the shoes, but there is still much to do. let us say here we are send us... and as He is our Lord- do as He says to do.
We watched a short video about these children in Africa that have no shoes, so they get chiggers in their feet and it turns all nasty. its rampant and easily stopped with the help of shoes. we had an offering for them. im glad we did... i want them to have shoes.
we were also given the opportunity to put the shoes we were wearing onto the altar so that they may be passed out among the homeless of the area. also another good thing. i'm gladd we did it... i want them to have shoes too.
but a thought came to me- "we've done our good deed. time to go to life as normal."
i know that's not what God... or the pastor/speaker... or many people in the congregation really want, but it sure enough seems like its the norm of these type of services. i think that's why we have so many of them. if we continued faithfully to do the work set before us, we wouldnt need to talk about doing it.
i am sorrowed. and a lil stirred, which i guess is good. i'm glad i see where we're messed up, i'm messed up, cause now it means i can do something about it.
so i guess my prayer is that we we would be spurred into more than just throwing in a couple dollars in an offering. we took it a step further with the shoes, but there is still much to do. let us say here we are send us... and as He is our Lord- do as He says to do.
i'm tired right now, so i don't know how coherent this will turn out.
i just finished a conversation with a girl on my hall. My sighings about the lack of true artistic flow i've been having came up. I feel so dry. Yet... yes yet... i believe its okay. i dont know it yet, but i'm working on that.
art is not my description. art is just a form in which i can release the things that God has put inside of me. Thank you Lord for the opportunities you have given me in using the arts. i bless your name for it. but i realize that if God takes my art away from me, then i can still be bethany. for i am not defined by art, but by God.
so the question is... who is it Lord that you are calling me to be in this moment? a musician? you'll need to help with that. a person who's still? i need even more help with that. what are you defining me as? i am defined by God, so what are you defining me as.
Lately I have been utterly in love with God. maybe my definition lately is a lover. that would be unique unto me... wouldnt pull it passed God. i am a lover. God's lover. is that who i am?
part of me. a big part at least. i can survive without art... i dont want to but i can. as long as i know that i have my lover by my side. Lord keep me in love with you.... not emotions or feeling-ish but in love with you.
but this is my struggle, for the moment... am i to still pursue art at this time or put it aside for a bit? am i truly suppose to not be plugged in with everything... no church assignments, nothing above discipleship at school... no sports, no clubs, nothing? are you for real God? how still are you wanting me God? and what about music... why music? what are you wanting me to get out of it.... what are you wanting me to give with it?
Lord... i don't know much, but i know you are faithful. answer me, give me wisdom. i put my trust in you.
i just finished a conversation with a girl on my hall. My sighings about the lack of true artistic flow i've been having came up. I feel so dry. Yet... yes yet... i believe its okay. i dont know it yet, but i'm working on that.
art is not my description. art is just a form in which i can release the things that God has put inside of me. Thank you Lord for the opportunities you have given me in using the arts. i bless your name for it. but i realize that if God takes my art away from me, then i can still be bethany. for i am not defined by art, but by God.
so the question is... who is it Lord that you are calling me to be in this moment? a musician? you'll need to help with that. a person who's still? i need even more help with that. what are you defining me as? i am defined by God, so what are you defining me as.
Lately I have been utterly in love with God. maybe my definition lately is a lover. that would be unique unto me... wouldnt pull it passed God. i am a lover. God's lover. is that who i am?
part of me. a big part at least. i can survive without art... i dont want to but i can. as long as i know that i have my lover by my side. Lord keep me in love with you.... not emotions or feeling-ish but in love with you.
but this is my struggle, for the moment... am i to still pursue art at this time or put it aside for a bit? am i truly suppose to not be plugged in with everything... no church assignments, nothing above discipleship at school... no sports, no clubs, nothing? are you for real God? how still are you wanting me God? and what about music... why music? what are you wanting me to get out of it.... what are you wanting me to give with it?
Lord... i don't know much, but i know you are faithful. answer me, give me wisdom. i put my trust in you.
Friday, October 2, 2009
~*~*~
churning deep with emotions. how they stir within me. what can i say what can i do?
will they listen to me? do i even have anything to say of value? i feel unworthy, inadequate, yet i quake with desire with drive...
i dream i am running, i am straining and pumping my legs as far as they can go, and yet here i am not moving. all i have is prayer. all i have is you my Father
alone, yet never alone. different but i know thats what you want from me. your will not mine o my priceless Pearl.
Move! please i do not know how long i can last with this aching in my spirit... i long to see you move in your people. and i ask and beg that you use me. yet who am i?
i am your loved one. i am yours and you are mine.
will they listen to me? do i even have anything to say of value? i feel unworthy, inadequate, yet i quake with desire with drive...
i dream i am running, i am straining and pumping my legs as far as they can go, and yet here i am not moving. all i have is prayer. all i have is you my Father
alone, yet never alone. different but i know thats what you want from me. your will not mine o my priceless Pearl.
Move! please i do not know how long i can last with this aching in my spirit... i long to see you move in your people. and i ask and beg that you use me. yet who am i?
i am your loved one. i am yours and you are mine.
conformity
trapped in a dream. screaming for an escape. the colors of fear are dreadful, haunting my vision. bland to the eyes and heavy to the heart. conformity. a daunting thought. and your sound, oh conformity... repulsive and and enticing. i desire to be a part of you, i detest the thought of you.
easily i fall, hard though i fight. stuck in side of me inside out. no words to fully allow you to comprehend my dreaming. my fearing, my screaming. a warning to us all... a warning to me. its time to fight. take your breaths guarded, one arm holding the weapon, the other doing the work. how u terrorize me conformity. conformity.
i am too prideful to join you, to self hating to not. what is connecting and what is conforming.
conformity you're all i see
conformity you're not for me.
and yet the walk i walk is so familiar to yours... thats why i run. i run i run i run. i cannot stand still or you will catch me. only in the fathers arms can i rest. so i run i run i run.
easily i fall, hard though i fight. stuck in side of me inside out. no words to fully allow you to comprehend my dreaming. my fearing, my screaming. a warning to us all... a warning to me. its time to fight. take your breaths guarded, one arm holding the weapon, the other doing the work. how u terrorize me conformity. conformity.
i am too prideful to join you, to self hating to not. what is connecting and what is conforming.
conformity you're all i see
conformity you're not for me.
and yet the walk i walk is so familiar to yours... thats why i run. i run i run i run. i cannot stand still or you will catch me. only in the fathers arms can i rest. so i run i run i run.
tell me your heart
oh goodness feel this heartbeat.
could i write such glorious words as to stir the hearts of many?
will these strokes and letters ever sink to the deepest parts of souls?
not to be hidden but to breathe life to awaken the eyes to see the invisible...
oh feel this heartbeat of mine.
of yours for we beat the same, how close we are.
he has my heart and my lips praise him
my lips long to taste his words and love
i delight in him and he in me!
i feel his pleasure in my pleasure
he woos me with poetry and art,
his music calls my name in sweet harmonies
oh he woos, yes he woos me.
and what are you feeling?
broken heart are your edges still too sharp?
peel off your bandages and let your heart weep, if only for a moment
and after the moment, what next
a washing a cleansing a wooing of sorts
let him take you. i dont mind sharing
in fact i love to, for we are one, don't you see?
i long to see your hearts leap for joy
how much more does he?
your steps are heavy with the burdens upon your back
tear them off. NOW yes NOW!
do not wait for what will you gain?
be not obsessed with the things of intellect, or the things of laziness
do not swoon over consummation of time, but delight in the stillness
revel in him. much as i do
you will find delight. yes delight! hahahaha
oh gloriousness is your name. fantabulous, beautimas.... how sweet are your names to me. give me more give me more... so i may call them out even louder. hallowed, loverly, splendiferous! hahahaa yes yes you are to me.
is he to you? tell me your heart.
could i write such glorious words as to stir the hearts of many?
will these strokes and letters ever sink to the deepest parts of souls?
not to be hidden but to breathe life to awaken the eyes to see the invisible...
oh feel this heartbeat of mine.
of yours for we beat the same, how close we are.
he has my heart and my lips praise him
my lips long to taste his words and love
i delight in him and he in me!
i feel his pleasure in my pleasure
he woos me with poetry and art,
his music calls my name in sweet harmonies
oh he woos, yes he woos me.
and what are you feeling?
broken heart are your edges still too sharp?
peel off your bandages and let your heart weep, if only for a moment
and after the moment, what next
a washing a cleansing a wooing of sorts
let him take you. i dont mind sharing
in fact i love to, for we are one, don't you see?
i long to see your hearts leap for joy
how much more does he?
your steps are heavy with the burdens upon your back
tear them off. NOW yes NOW!
do not wait for what will you gain?
be not obsessed with the things of intellect, or the things of laziness
do not swoon over consummation of time, but delight in the stillness
revel in him. much as i do
you will find delight. yes delight! hahahaha
oh gloriousness is your name. fantabulous, beautimas.... how sweet are your names to me. give me more give me more... so i may call them out even louder. hallowed, loverly, splendiferous! hahahaa yes yes you are to me.
is he to you? tell me your heart.
2:34 pm
2:34 pm
the time love lost its zeal
and i had to determine what is real.
emotions lacking foundation
and everything i know comes to summation.
your love is beautiful
your words irrefutable
its all i know, all i know
and when all feelings have left
you still remain my cleft
stretched at length
this is where i find my strength
you love is beautiful
your words irrefutable
it's all i know, yes it's all i know
beyond feelings, beyond emotion,
i'm still drowning in your love's ocean
the time love lost its zeal
and i had to determine what is real.
emotions lacking foundation
and everything i know comes to summation.
your love is beautiful
your words irrefutable
its all i know, all i know
and when all feelings have left
you still remain my cleft
stretched at length
this is where i find my strength
you love is beautiful
your words irrefutable
it's all i know, yes it's all i know
beyond feelings, beyond emotion,
i'm still drowning in your love's ocean
wall flower power
delicate petal, so pale
your breath brings melodies
painting the delighted tears hanging
amidst the softest of night skies
alas, you flush with a gentle pink
holding back the glow you possess within
shy lil girl
if only you'd shine your light
how darkness would shake!
the beauties of the earth would at last
be seen... be seen
and revel in glories untold
yet you dim beneath the lies
the ones that caress your fears.
and all the while you hold the strength
if only you'd choose to wield...
if only you'd choose courage
your breath brings melodies
painting the delighted tears hanging
amidst the softest of night skies
alas, you flush with a gentle pink
holding back the glow you possess within
shy lil girl
if only you'd shine your light
how darkness would shake!
the beauties of the earth would at last
be seen... be seen
and revel in glories untold
yet you dim beneath the lies
the ones that caress your fears.
and all the while you hold the strength
if only you'd choose to wield...
if only you'd choose courage
what is it i know?
i stand precariously on a top.
every lil motion causing dramatic twists and turns... ups and downs
and i wonder at what to do
where is this strength i am said to have
i enjoy the north wind, but the southern breeze destroys it all
how can a breeze overtake a wind?
i do not understand.
nope not at all
thank goodness im not meant to understand everything.
one day i may search for this phenomenon's origin
but until then i will stand on what i do know
this i know...
you are good, and your mercies endure forever
you will provide i have no need to worry.
i am loved by you
you are my God, my Savior, my friend... my Lover
you call me beautiful.
and you tell me... i do not stand upon a top, but upon a rock. you will not be shaken you will not be moved and on you i stand. yesterday today and forever.
for me this is beautiful. i thank you and praise your name. search my heart and know my motives. may i be moved by you.
every lil motion causing dramatic twists and turns... ups and downs
and i wonder at what to do
where is this strength i am said to have
i enjoy the north wind, but the southern breeze destroys it all
how can a breeze overtake a wind?
i do not understand.
nope not at all
thank goodness im not meant to understand everything.
one day i may search for this phenomenon's origin
but until then i will stand on what i do know
this i know...
you are good, and your mercies endure forever
you will provide i have no need to worry.
i am loved by you
you are my God, my Savior, my friend... my Lover
you call me beautiful.
and you tell me... i do not stand upon a top, but upon a rock. you will not be shaken you will not be moved and on you i stand. yesterday today and forever.
for me this is beautiful. i thank you and praise your name. search my heart and know my motives. may i be moved by you.
with your voice you paint the sky.
your touch is music to my skin, to my tender heart
i am held by your wonderful creations... the sights for me to feel.
tasting your fragrance romances my soul
and smelling your sweetness beckons me closer
i dance upon your beauty and am enraptured in your love
enraptured in your love
when all feeling is gone you are still there
your splendidness does not change
glory glory glory glory
perceive my motives, touch my heart,
may it be for you. may it be for you.
for you are always faithful... always faithful
i am overwhelmed.
could i handle anymore of your love?
beauty beauty beauty
it sings in the night sky
it breaks upon the shores of my tears
the oceans of my weeping
how lovely are you
how lovely are you
i feel warmth in the snowflakes
and coolness in the humid breeze
you are with me
OH GOD YOU ARE STILL WITH ME
how lovely how lovely how lovely
when the lights of this world distract from your stars
i know that they are still there
when the voices of this world scream out
i know your voice is still there
in the whisper
in the quiet
glorious father, magnificent one.
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you.
your touch is music to my skin, to my tender heart
i am held by your wonderful creations... the sights for me to feel.
tasting your fragrance romances my soul
and smelling your sweetness beckons me closer
i dance upon your beauty and am enraptured in your love
enraptured in your love
when all feeling is gone you are still there
your splendidness does not change
glory glory glory glory
perceive my motives, touch my heart,
may it be for you. may it be for you.
for you are always faithful... always faithful
i am overwhelmed.
could i handle anymore of your love?
beauty beauty beauty
it sings in the night sky
it breaks upon the shores of my tears
the oceans of my weeping
how lovely are you
how lovely are you
i feel warmth in the snowflakes
and coolness in the humid breeze
you are with me
OH GOD YOU ARE STILL WITH ME
how lovely how lovely how lovely
when the lights of this world distract from your stars
i know that they are still there
when the voices of this world scream out
i know your voice is still there
in the whisper
in the quiet
glorious father, magnificent one.
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you.
beauty and the beast
I am monstrous and devious
A disgrace and scum
I am hideous to behold
And repulsive and numb
I am the beast
Yet you call me beauty
I am murderous, adulterous
A liar and a fake
I am filled with pride
And with self love, self hate
I am the beast
Yet you call me beauty
here i lay
prostrate on the floor
soaking in the tears
asking for more
i am the beast
yet you call me beauty
i dont understand how
you'd love someone so weak
someone like me
liar, sinner, a freak
i am the beast
yet you call me beauty
you call me beauty?!
can't you see
i've destroyed all the beauty
you created me to be
i am now the beast
still you call me beauty
i hear your words over and over
they're whispered in my ear
but the truth of them troubles me
i am grasped by fear
i am the beast
yet you call me beauty
i dont understand
i cant really see
how you can find beauty
when you look at me
for i see a beast
ghastly yet worn
terrific and evil
yet a heart that is torn
i see a beast
broken and afraid
lost in reality
playing a sick charade
i am a beast
yet you call me beauty (and i don't understand, but...)
you call me beauty
you call me beauty
you call me beauty
A disgrace and scum
I am hideous to behold
And repulsive and numb
I am the beast
Yet you call me beauty
I am murderous, adulterous
A liar and a fake
I am filled with pride
And with self love, self hate
I am the beast
Yet you call me beauty
here i lay
prostrate on the floor
soaking in the tears
asking for more
i am the beast
yet you call me beauty
i dont understand how
you'd love someone so weak
someone like me
liar, sinner, a freak
i am the beast
yet you call me beauty
you call me beauty?!
can't you see
i've destroyed all the beauty
you created me to be
i am now the beast
still you call me beauty
i hear your words over and over
they're whispered in my ear
but the truth of them troubles me
i am grasped by fear
i am the beast
yet you call me beauty
i dont understand
i cant really see
how you can find beauty
when you look at me
for i see a beast
ghastly yet worn
terrific and evil
yet a heart that is torn
i see a beast
broken and afraid
lost in reality
playing a sick charade
i am a beast
yet you call me beauty (and i don't understand, but...)
you call me beauty
you call me beauty
you call me beauty
Friday, August 28, 2009
I want to blog more.
I think I will.
In a little less than a week, I will be going to college. exciting. nerve-wracking.
I think one of the thing i am most excited for though is my new laptop. It's mandatory that I have a mac-book pro with music accessories. The price is horrendous, but I have always wanted one... I never would have gotten it if it wasn't mandatory. I'm glad it is. :). It's God's will that I'm going out and doing these things... I think he can pay for it.
His will His bill.
There's a lot going on, but what can really be said? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna journal now... if I don't I may start sharing the secret things, that need to be kept secret. shhhh. good night
I think I will.
In a little less than a week, I will be going to college. exciting. nerve-wracking.
I think one of the thing i am most excited for though is my new laptop. It's mandatory that I have a mac-book pro with music accessories. The price is horrendous, but I have always wanted one... I never would have gotten it if it wasn't mandatory. I'm glad it is. :). It's God's will that I'm going out and doing these things... I think he can pay for it.
His will His bill.
There's a lot going on, but what can really be said? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna journal now... if I don't I may start sharing the secret things, that need to be kept secret. shhhh. good night
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