Hello Heart

Hello Heart.
I gave you away today.
Hope you're not mad.
I really do love you a lot,
But I realized I'm not the best for you.
I've placed you in dangerous circumstances.
I let dirty rotten fingers hold you,
And despite my cleanings, you still bear the stains.
Your eyes I've allowed to linger on hope-crushing fantasies.
Your ears have been opened to beauty destroying lies and death filled words.
I became ashamed of you and the tears you brought me.
So I pushed you into dark closets and forgot you there.
I was scared of things you made me feel.
When I finally brought you out into the light once more,
You were hesitant, distant, and very unwilling to trust.
I know things were getting better.
We were working on it...
Our fresh cuts were beginning to look like scars,
And our old scars were beginning to fade.
It's been pretty good for a while now.
I know you may not understand why,
But trust me.
I've seen old habits popping up in me.
I've allowed us to listen to some death words.
I don't want you to go through that again.
This is why I'm giving you away.
He's a good man.
He gave you to me in the first place.
I figure that He'll know what's best for you more than I do.
And better than knowing...
He'll do what's best.
I know it's hard right now,
But we're together with Him.
When He decides to give you away
It'll be the happiest day of our lives.
But trust me till then.
Trust Him.
He knows what's best.
Forgive me for the hurt I've caused you.
I forgive you.
I love you.
That's why I'm doing this.

'till then my beautiful heart,

Bethany

Being a Star

I most definitely enjoy the arts. Pretty much anything under that genre of stuff... acting, dancing, painting, writing, singing, playing an instrument... anything that pulls out creativity. Coming with that, I want my art to be seen, heard, known. I have a lot of mini dreams that fall into this area. They're mini because I don't tend to explore them. Something usually stops me from searching them out more than just a thought before bed, or a lingering desire after certain types of movies. Mostly that something is fear. Fear of failure and fear of actually being good and then that being my downfall... a fear of pride. These fears haven't quite squashed the seed that propaganda has planted within. I want to be a star. Not star as in everyone knows me and wants to be me, but star as in everyone knows my creations.

Reach for the stars...
Be a star...
Follow your dreams...
Be the best...
Be YOU, cause YOU is great, but let's just change this, so that way YOU can have all YOU want.

Some of this I even hear from within the church. It sounds good. It sounds great. I was even thinking that it's Biblical and what God wants, but without much search into, I'm beginning to wonder on the truth of it. I don't think it's Biblical, I think it's American. It's society's "good" philosophy.

Not that it's wrong to be all I can be. Or necessarily wrong that I want to be seen. Or even wrong that I follow dreams, But

When did it become all about me?

Why do I want to be a star? All puffed up with gas.... millions of light years away where my light is seen, but barely. To be a star in the sky would be to be seen only a glimpse of who I am created to be. Again, started to sound like it's all about me...

But what if I am the moon? What if I am seen, but the light that shines forth is the glory I have always been called to carry... the reflection of the light of the sun, the glory of the Son. Then it wouldn't be about me. I would be ray of hope in the night, reminding all who are in the dark that there is a sun and it will rise again.

I don't know how coherent any of this is... maybe one day I'll read through this and make it more cohesive, but it's just some thoughts that were weighing on my mind as I lie here in bed.

Sometimes truth isn't what you feel.

So many words
What should I say?
So many steps
Tell me which should I take?
So many dreams
That I'd like to chase,
But I'm standing here
Afraid of mistakes

But look, I see Him now
And my joy is rising off the ground
Wait, I hear Him now
And my soul is dancing to the sound

My heart is free,
But locked in a cage.
My peace is here,
But wrapped in a rage.
My strength's renewed,
But feels so aged.
Am I done?
At the end of my page?

But look, I see Him now
And my joy is rising off the ground
Wait, I hear Him now
And my soul is dancing to the sound

As I look up at You
And gaze upon Your face
I feel the depth of Your love
And the strength of Your grace.
You tell me,
"Baby Girl,
Sometimes real isn't real;
Sometimes truth isn't what you feel.
Hear me now...
Sometimes real isn't real;
Sometimes truth isn't what you feel."

So come out heart,
Your cage is loosed.
And peace breathe free
From rage's noose.
Strength you're renewed
For joy is the truth.
And End you're finished
Cause He's done with you.

So many words,
Hear what I say.
So many steps,
I'm on my way.
So many dreams,
I'll chase them all.
Watch me soar,
I'm not afraid to fall

So look, and see Him now.
Let your joy rise from the ground.
Wait, and hear Him now.
Let your soul dance to the sound.
Let your soul dance to the sound.

1 Tim 4:12 (part 2)

Continued thoughts on 1 Timothy 4:12

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young..."

Revised version for the purpose of viewing it as an "elder:"

"Don't look down on the young..."

I know, I know, I know... I'm not considered old yet. I may not be officially a part of an elder grouping, but I do find myself in places of a mentor at times and have realized that I, too, have looked down on the young.

Why, I wondered, as I read this over and over again, do I do this? I believe there are two major reasons for my doing this.

First, I have been disappointed many times by those I've mentored. I often feel as though my love, advice, and/or encouragement go right through their ears. This often makes me a little less than hopeful for their growth.

These frustrations, though, are not the response in me that scares me...

My second reason I am discovering I have for looking down on the young is pride. Yes that horrible sneaky sin. I find myself not wanting to be on the same level of someone younger (whether in actual age or in the faith).

I remember hearing through my younger years that I was intelligent, wise, or spiritually sound, especially for a young person. What is meant as encouragement can also puff someone up (I think that's why Proverbs speaks of how compliments are tests, Proverbs 27:21). I have often desired to be great, and have felt the younger I became great, the greater I would be. I am seeing that as I'm getting older I am more and more jealous of young ones who still have the opportunity of young greatness. This has led me at times to withhold wisdom I could share or to look down on the young. I have looked down on them so I won't feel as though they can really teach me. In those deep, hidden beliefs that grip tighter in their secrecy I fear that if I can be taught by someone younger than I'm really not that great of a person, or I have missed my potential.

This belief system is, of course, poppycock. Why?

I CAN learn from them, and my learning shouldn't make me feel any less of a person. The young are as much vessels of God as I am. God has used donkeys and even "wicked" people. I'm not any greater when God chooses to use me. He can use who He wants. It has nothing to do with me... SOOO I shouldn't be jealous when God uses someone else, I shouldn't use God's blessings as a means to puff up my pride.

Without pride there is no jealousy, and without jealousy I will have no good reason to look down on the young.  

This is wonderful! Now to replace some bad beliefs....

1 Tim 4:12

These are some thoughts from last night's Lectio Divina at the ROCK youth group.

1 Timothy 4:12

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." 

... First thing that jumped out at me: "...For the believers..."

Why would we need to have the mindset to be an example for the believers? Shouldn't the believers already do well in these things? 

Just a thought: Often as believers we can become stagnant or plateau. We can easily begin to think that we're good enough, especially if we compare ourselves to the believer next to us... Maybe we doing "better" than them, or maybe we doing about the same. I think this exhortation to be an example is the positive way of saying don't compare or measure yourself to others. If you have the mindset of being an example your going to live according to Christ instead of according to your neighbor. Instead of meeting diluted expectations you are able to go beyond "good enough" (whatever that is) and show others what it truly means to be Christ in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.