a crazy mind and grace

I was pretty close to a melt-down today. I won't go into gory details. It was probably one of the more severe emotional experiences I've had. Well, I don't know if all of it was emotional. Some pretty freaky stuff happened in my mind as well. I didn't quite like it. That's what made me emotional, or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. Basically, if I didn't have to do my job and focus on that, I would have probably ended up in a sloppy blob in my room. Thank God for something to be able to hold on to.

I don't know how many times I cried today. I actually just finished a little spurt of tears. These last ones though weren't the insane, confused, angry, etc tears from the rest of the day. A moment of clarity and of understanding brought me such an overwhelming sense of love and grace it began to pour out of my eyes.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
And grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace shall lead me home

Sometimes I wish God was physical. Physically here I mean. It'd be a lot easier for me to go to Him first if I knew I'd feel His arms around me. I have before, but not as often as I plead.

-$1,500

I have been disappointed and probably a little hopeless off and on for a looong time now. A big portion of it has been concerning my one year of school debt that has taken me two years to pay off. I was set that God was going to pay it off by this last New Year. When that didn't happen I was utterly crushed. I had asked Him to take away the hope if that wasn't what He was planning on doing. That didn't happen. I actually had a lot of people encourage and give hope and different situations happened that soared my hope. And then January 1st happened. And January 8 followed. Still nothing. In fact I have been doing worse financially, not better. My hope was basically in pieces. I still don't understand. And I do still tear up a bit when I think of that time. I have more healing to do.

Today I paid towards my debt. Only a couple hundred dollars, but it's all I can really do. I have $1,500 to go. Not a lot compared to the debt that many people have in America, but certainly much more than I was hoping to have right now. But it seems like it's taken forever to get it down and with all I want to do this year it seems like a weight. I have decided though, that I will not be disappointed with what I see. I will not be disappointed that I don't have the money to pay it off, nor the job that pays as much as I want. I am going to rejoice! I am going to praise God for what He has given me. For the jobs and the provision that He has given thus far. I will rejoice because I know He'll take care of the rest. I have no cares because I've cast them all on Him! That's why I will rejoice. I thank God that I am only $1,500 in debt and it's ever decreasing. I thank Him for His overabundant gifts!

So thanks God. Love you!

giving

I had a fear spurt earlier. I looked at how much money I need and how much I will be making. I looked at how many things we're begging to be done and how much time I had. I looked at what was known and unknown about the future. All of that caused this spurt.

Financially speaking God spoke to me today. Later I realized... (actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing)... that He was speaking about all of it.

I heard Him tell me to give. More freely than before. If you know me, I'm not really a stingy person when it comes to giving and have found myself come up short because I want to give so much, so for God to tell me to give more... well, that was liberating and even more fearful at the same time. How am I suppose to give? What am I suppose to give to? I really don't know where to begin with this, but I'm not letting fear keep me from starting. I guess I'm just gonna go, and do, and say, and be.

That's my mission this month... give freely, extravagantly. Time, money, and even direction/encouragement. Let's see how it goes.