Achingly Returning

Last night I spoke with an old friend that I had not been in contact with for the last couple years. We were pretty good friends back then. At least I thought so. It seemed though, that ignoring my calls and texts and Facebook writings came as easily as breathing. Obviously I was hurt and saddened by all this. Any time this friend's name came up or a memory with said person passed through my mind I would volley emotionally back and forth between feeling angry and unwanted, undesirable, rejected.

It's interesting though, when I realized that this old friend was initiating conversation, these feelings did flare up, but they were so eclipsed by my excitement of the possibility of renewed friendship that I had to remind myself I was "mad" at this person. I wanted to know why, but at the same time, for the night, it didn't really matter. I hope there's many more chances for dialogue in the near future.

But it's not really the friend that I'm wanting to write about.

During the moments between texts that preceded our phone call, I was amazed at the emotion within me. The desire to cling to this person in a never-ending hug was probably one of my strongest pulls to ever do so. If distance wasn't such an issue I may have done such that. My emotions didn't so much surprise me as they amazed me with a certain revelation.

At one moment I saw a picture of me returning to the throne room of God. By the look on my face and the split second of feeling my heart, I realized I was coming back not to draw near, but because I had done wrong. I looked so shameful, but at the same moment I was able to feel what my Creator was feeling. It was how I felt about my friend, except stronger. As disappointed and hurt as I was about my friend's rejection of me, I was a 100x's more rejoicing at their return and aching to be ever nearer. I felt as God was telling me that's what it's like when we return to Him.

There's a song I really enjoy by the Vespers. It's called "Will You Love Me" and it's basically talking about returning to God asking if He still loves. We know the answer, but it's hard to believe sometimes. But He's there. Waiting. Forgiving. Loving. In the moment of shame He silences fears with tenderness and a giant hug.

I know this returning to Him doesn't excuse me from anything I've done. As I will be soon seeking to root out some hurts with my friend for the sake our friendship, God will bring us back to what we did in order to heal the wounds. And I'm glad. It's what will make the friendship good. It's what makes the trust come back. It gives hope.

I don't know if this made sense to any of the five people who read my blogs, but I hope you realize how desperately God wants you, and how ready He is for you to jump into His arms.

I Am Hungry

I am hungry.
Not an unusual thing.

And of course,
My innate propensity
Is to satisfy
This natural occurrence.

The frequency of hunger
Has led me to make
Habits.

Yes habits,
Good and bad,
That fill my stomach.

Sadly, though
It seems,
The bad is more oft.

Junk food.
Sweets and worthless calories.
Gorging
Even on "good" food.

What satisfies me now?
What do I crave?

I am hungry.
How will I feed myself?
Do I follow my habits?
Or do I recreate?

I am hungry.
How will I feed my soul today?

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, "My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness." Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!

2 Corinthians 12:9 

Lately I've been given a lot of different opportunities to share God, to bless others with my talents, and to lead. In this same time period I have been appalled at myself for my lack of discipline (mostly concerning time usage), my extreme tiredness,  my low dosage of passion (for God or anything), and blatant dislike and unlove of some of God's precious people. Because of both of the extremes I have been confused, guilty feeling, and/or fearful. I see my failings and weaknesses and wonder, "How does God use someone as I?"

A few of these issues I know how to clean up, while others seem to be so hard for me. This verse, though not an excuse for sin or laziness, helped me today. I will not let my failings (which are all in the past... even if only a minute ago) bring me to guilt and fear, but I will rejoice to know that's not where I'm stuck. God's power and strength will help to overcome. His grace will lead me on. I will continue to walk on despite weaknesses- for God's glory and power will rest upon me. I will rejoice and glory in my infirmities- for God's grace and strength will shine brighter through it! 


God still used me despite my utter failings lately and He will continue to! This will not be an excuse to continue failing, but will be the reason I will continue rejoicing in Him and falling into His loving arms!

Leaving

Sometimes I feel tired and worn.
Sometimes I feel frustrated and confused.
Sometimes I feel pulled and weak.
Sometimes I feel like leaving.
Leaving this faith of mine.
Choosing not to listen.
Choosing not to be with.
Choosing not to live
Choosing not to love.
And as I turn to leave
I look at where this path leads.
It is then I realize and say,
"Lord, whom could I leave You for?
For You are the Holy One of Heaven and my Love."

Next To Me

I am listening to Sleeping At Last's beautiful song "Next To Me." It's a love song (though, the love in this song doesn't seem to have to be romantic).

When I hear it I began to feel wistful and almost as though I have romantic memories. As though I've actually been in such a relationship as the song describes. And though there have been a couple times I thought mutual interest would grow to more, I have never been in a "relationship."

Certain lines in the song really woo my heart. One in particular got me thinking.

"I know since we've grown we ache for those memories. Honestly, nothing's even compared to you next to me, next to me."

I began to contemplate if there really was anyone I could say this too (not even in a romantic sense). Is there anyone I would just long to be next to... more than revisiting any certain time? Or maybe there's a certain time with a certain person I would long for more than any other?

As I thought these thoughts feeling slightly lonely, I realized that I did have someone. My smiling Jesus. And He in turn tells me that nothing's even compared to me next to Him.

I smiled at this beautiful truth and became doleful at my lack of our nearness as of late.

So thank you Sleeping At Last for reminding who I long to be next to... and who yearns to be next to me.

I Shame Stronger

Pools slosh in my eyes.
I have forgotten You
    Yet again.
And while I yearn
    To be closer than skin
And crave
    To feel Your breath
I shame stronger.
My head reminds me of what I am
    What I've done
        And worse
            What I've left undone.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I long to respond
I shame stronger.
Foolishness, I know
But so has everything else
    Leading to this point
I feel too weak to exercise
How will I ever get strong?
How do I get to this point?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
May it strengthen me
for
I shame stronger
I am weepy
    Yet apathetic
This isn't true repentance
is it?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Could You just yell...
Or maybe physically grab me
You know You're what I want
I just have to get up
    But I seem to have forgotten how
I shame stronger
Put a feeling in me
Love
Anger
Conquering
Something other than this
This
This shame induced apathy
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Okay...
I'm rolling over
Feet hit the cold floor.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame strong
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I
Your whisper calls me nearer.
You

Hey heart. shut up.

tomorrow's stunning?

Today I behaved ugly a lot more than usual. I felt very ugly in my being. I wrote on Facebook that tomorrow I will be stunning. And I plan on it.

But as I thought about how will I be stunning tomorrow, these things came to me:

"I will be stunning by being accomplished. I will complete my list of things to do. I will not get stressed out. I will bless others. I will love and give and do..."

...BREATH...

 and then my train of thought was interrupted with the following:

"No, stunning is first achieved by being loved. The "do" is an overflow."

a crazy mind and grace

I was pretty close to a melt-down today. I won't go into gory details. It was probably one of the more severe emotional experiences I've had. Well, I don't know if all of it was emotional. Some pretty freaky stuff happened in my mind as well. I didn't quite like it. That's what made me emotional, or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. Basically, if I didn't have to do my job and focus on that, I would have probably ended up in a sloppy blob in my room. Thank God for something to be able to hold on to.

I don't know how many times I cried today. I actually just finished a little spurt of tears. These last ones though weren't the insane, confused, angry, etc tears from the rest of the day. A moment of clarity and of understanding brought me such an overwhelming sense of love and grace it began to pour out of my eyes.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
And grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace shall lead me home

Sometimes I wish God was physical. Physically here I mean. It'd be a lot easier for me to go to Him first if I knew I'd feel His arms around me. I have before, but not as often as I plead.

-$1,500

I have been disappointed and probably a little hopeless off and on for a looong time now. A big portion of it has been concerning my one year of school debt that has taken me two years to pay off. I was set that God was going to pay it off by this last New Year. When that didn't happen I was utterly crushed. I had asked Him to take away the hope if that wasn't what He was planning on doing. That didn't happen. I actually had a lot of people encourage and give hope and different situations happened that soared my hope. And then January 1st happened. And January 8 followed. Still nothing. In fact I have been doing worse financially, not better. My hope was basically in pieces. I still don't understand. And I do still tear up a bit when I think of that time. I have more healing to do.

Today I paid towards my debt. Only a couple hundred dollars, but it's all I can really do. I have $1,500 to go. Not a lot compared to the debt that many people have in America, but certainly much more than I was hoping to have right now. But it seems like it's taken forever to get it down and with all I want to do this year it seems like a weight. I have decided though, that I will not be disappointed with what I see. I will not be disappointed that I don't have the money to pay it off, nor the job that pays as much as I want. I am going to rejoice! I am going to praise God for what He has given me. For the jobs and the provision that He has given thus far. I will rejoice because I know He'll take care of the rest. I have no cares because I've cast them all on Him! That's why I will rejoice. I thank God that I am only $1,500 in debt and it's ever decreasing. I thank Him for His overabundant gifts!

So thanks God. Love you!

giving

I had a fear spurt earlier. I looked at how much money I need and how much I will be making. I looked at how many things we're begging to be done and how much time I had. I looked at what was known and unknown about the future. All of that caused this spurt.

Financially speaking God spoke to me today. Later I realized... (actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing)... that He was speaking about all of it.

I heard Him tell me to give. More freely than before. If you know me, I'm not really a stingy person when it comes to giving and have found myself come up short because I want to give so much, so for God to tell me to give more... well, that was liberating and even more fearful at the same time. How am I suppose to give? What am I suppose to give to? I really don't know where to begin with this, but I'm not letting fear keep me from starting. I guess I'm just gonna go, and do, and say, and be.

That's my mission this month... give freely, extravagantly. Time, money, and even direction/encouragement. Let's see how it goes.

Disappointed God?

I was going through my "Lose The Baggage" material today. It's an inner healing workbook. It listed some lies that people often believe when relating to God as the Father. I was to read through them and pray through the ones I thought I struggled with. There were a couple I prayed through, but there was still something there that wasn't right. At the end of it all, LTB prompted me to write whatever lies that were inside me out and then profess the truth if they weren't already listed. I wrote the following:

Lie: The Father God is always expecting more from me. He is disappointed in me. I may seem good to the world around me, but He knows how I am and I am not enough.

If I heard someone else say this I would be appalled. Mostly. I would want to correct them and encourage them, but no scripture would be able to come to mind. I would feel like it was wrong, sense it, but I wouldn't have been able to put my finger on why. Why couldn't we disappoint God? Why wouldn't we? I've heard it all, but I didn't know how people could say that God isn't disappointed or upset with me. He's not expecting more. I'm not letting Him down. It didn't make sense to me. At all.

So here I was, having a great day before this moment and then in this tender moment I felt like I would never find an answer that would satisfy and abolish this "supposed" lie. I didn't want it to be true, but I couldn't see how it couldn't be. I looked up some verses and most of them were out of context and I couldn't really find anywhere that God said He was proud of me. And then pops up Colossians 2:10.

 "And in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority;"

 

In Him you have been made complete. In Him I have been made complete.

What does this have to do with disappointing God? That was my first thought, but I couldn't leave the verse right away. I read it again and then it hit me. Complete... means without lacking. I'm complete in Christ... I am not lacking because of Christ. The question no longer is "how could I not disappoint God?" It is now, "If I'm complete, not lacking, how I COULD disappoint? What in completeness is disappointing?

Wow. Thanks Jesus.

Single

Last night I talked with friend with whom I trade prayer requests periodically. Our prior prayer request trading he spoke of wanting his heart prepared and receiving direction in the pursuit of a woman. I'm not the greatest at remembering to pray all the time, so I prayed as soon as we stopped conversing.

As we updated last night he told me of an experience he had when he went to a worship event right after we had last chatted. He said that God spoke to him. That God asked him to pursue Him and be with Him and such (I don't remember exact words and don't want to butcher the what he shared). He said that it was the first time he ever really WANTED to be single. Content in singleness is what I got out of it. After we finished talking, I laid in bed halfway asleep, thinking, and two things struck me from this.

First, mere hours, if even that, after we prayed for God to give direction and prepare his heart... God began to answer. What better preparation of the heart than spending time with God, focusing on Him? What better way to truly find direction than with unspoiled contentedness? I thought that was cool. Gotta love my God.

Second, this young man has dated before, and while I have technically been on a date or two, I have never dated nor have I been 1/2 of a couple before. Bringing up his feeling of wanting to be single, he mentioned that it has been a while since he's been in a relationship. My unvoiced thoughts responded in a somewhat prideful manner, "Huh, I've been single my whole life." No longer than a moment passed before I was mentally checked. This contentedness in single life has nothing to do with how long one has been single. My being single didn't stem just from choice. Pride, fear, wisdom, and lack of prospects has kept me in this state. Some of the time I have been content, but I have to admit most of my recent history has been riddled with seeking out "the one," grumbling to God about loneliness, and cuddling up to my pillows wishing it were a warm, loving, good looking husband ;).
So as I listened to this man of God speak of the words that God had beckoned him with, I felt like God was beckoning me.

I want to answer His call. I want to be content in my singleness. Trusting fully in His path for me. :) Good God, good stuff.

Try Harder

After a long day of not talking with God much, putting Him on the back burner during my free time, and avoiding quality time because I didn't want to feel bad for procrastinating, I finally decided I needed to take communion before going to bed.

During the quiet of getting my heart right, I began my feeble apologies. Feeble... not that I wasn't sincere; I was just tired of being at that place again. Even as I continued the humbled cries, my mind's eye saw a kiss land upon my cheek.

At that moment I knew that God didn't want me continue this way. He didn't want to beat me. He didn't want me to dwell and wallow on my own filth. He didn't even want me to try harder.

It was that last thought that caused me most pause. He didn't want me to try harder...? Are we sure about this? Trying harder has always been my thought. That's how I fix things. I thought that's what He wanted me to do.

But those moments that followed these thoughts brought clarity for the briefest of times. So here I am trying to record it. He didn't want me to say I'll try harder, all He wanted was for me to receive His love. So I did.

And will continue to do throughout this night. I hope I will be wise enough to continue tomorrow.

Joy can be a strange thing.

Joy can be a strange thing.

Every time a heart's tear splatters into my stomach, at least ten jolts of laughter come forth.
It doesn't happen right away most days; sometimes it takes weeks for the tear to fall that far. When it does though... it's good.

Like this morning. My days have not been bad lately, just hard. A lot pressing upon me and a lot rising up within me. The combination has made tears and a heavy heart kind of the norm. Even with this though, I have not been overtly distressed. Depression has not sunk it's teeth into me. Joy still is there, even in the tears.

Right now, my stomach aches... a dull gut feeling. It's coming from the thoughts of all that has been on me lately. Even with this feeling though I feel the splatters of long falling tears. They tickle. I haven't even gotten into the Word yet today, but such a joy in the Lord! I could just stay here... listen to music that glorifies Him, read blogs and thoughts of those who love Him, sit in silence waiting for Him. If He doesn't come tangibly I still know He's here. How amazing is that!!!!

What a joy that can sprout from sorrow. There is still much heaviness and I know much will have to be worked out in the next few days. Many more tears will be cried this weekend. There will probably be more moments of writhing from the pain in my being. I'm sure disappointments will try to eclipse the hope I have as I journey these coming evenings. In all of this though, I will joy in the Lord. In all of this I know multitudes of laughter will bubble up from my belly.

When it finally does, watch out Hell! The power of my weeping to bring healing is nothing compared to the power of the laughter that God uses in me to crumble your walls and foundations!

today's prinking

I don't like this Lord.
I don't know what to do.
But I'm thinking I don't have to.
I gave You my heart.
YOU protect it.
Sounds good.
Amen.