Hello Heart

Hello Heart.
I gave you away today.
Hope you're not mad.
I really do love you a lot,
But I realized I'm not the best for you.
I've placed you in dangerous circumstances.
I let dirty rotten fingers hold you,
And despite my cleanings, you still bear the stains.
Your eyes I've allowed to linger on hope-crushing fantasies.
Your ears have been opened to beauty destroying lies and death filled words.
I became ashamed of you and the tears you brought me.
So I pushed you into dark closets and forgot you there.
I was scared of things you made me feel.
When I finally brought you out into the light once more,
You were hesitant, distant, and very unwilling to trust.
I know things were getting better.
We were working on it...
Our fresh cuts were beginning to look like scars,
And our old scars were beginning to fade.
It's been pretty good for a while now.
I know you may not understand why,
But trust me.
I've seen old habits popping up in me.
I've allowed us to listen to some death words.
I don't want you to go through that again.
This is why I'm giving you away.
He's a good man.
He gave you to me in the first place.
I figure that He'll know what's best for you more than I do.
And better than knowing...
He'll do what's best.
I know it's hard right now,
But we're together with Him.
When He decides to give you away
It'll be the happiest day of our lives.
But trust me till then.
Trust Him.
He knows what's best.
Forgive me for the hurt I've caused you.
I forgive you.
I love you.
That's why I'm doing this.

'till then my beautiful heart,

Bethany

Being a Star

I most definitely enjoy the arts. Pretty much anything under that genre of stuff... acting, dancing, painting, writing, singing, playing an instrument... anything that pulls out creativity. Coming with that, I want my art to be seen, heard, known. I have a lot of mini dreams that fall into this area. They're mini because I don't tend to explore them. Something usually stops me from searching them out more than just a thought before bed, or a lingering desire after certain types of movies. Mostly that something is fear. Fear of failure and fear of actually being good and then that being my downfall... a fear of pride. These fears haven't quite squashed the seed that propaganda has planted within. I want to be a star. Not star as in everyone knows me and wants to be me, but star as in everyone knows my creations.

Reach for the stars...
Be a star...
Follow your dreams...
Be the best...
Be YOU, cause YOU is great, but let's just change this, so that way YOU can have all YOU want.

Some of this I even hear from within the church. It sounds good. It sounds great. I was even thinking that it's Biblical and what God wants, but without much search into, I'm beginning to wonder on the truth of it. I don't think it's Biblical, I think it's American. It's society's "good" philosophy.

Not that it's wrong to be all I can be. Or necessarily wrong that I want to be seen. Or even wrong that I follow dreams, But

When did it become all about me?

Why do I want to be a star? All puffed up with gas.... millions of light years away where my light is seen, but barely. To be a star in the sky would be to be seen only a glimpse of who I am created to be. Again, started to sound like it's all about me...

But what if I am the moon? What if I am seen, but the light that shines forth is the glory I have always been called to carry... the reflection of the light of the sun, the glory of the Son. Then it wouldn't be about me. I would be ray of hope in the night, reminding all who are in the dark that there is a sun and it will rise again.

I don't know how coherent any of this is... maybe one day I'll read through this and make it more cohesive, but it's just some thoughts that were weighing on my mind as I lie here in bed.

Sometimes truth isn't what you feel.

So many words
What should I say?
So many steps
Tell me which should I take?
So many dreams
That I'd like to chase,
But I'm standing here
Afraid of mistakes

But look, I see Him now
And my joy is rising off the ground
Wait, I hear Him now
And my soul is dancing to the sound

My heart is free,
But locked in a cage.
My peace is here,
But wrapped in a rage.
My strength's renewed,
But feels so aged.
Am I done?
At the end of my page?

But look, I see Him now
And my joy is rising off the ground
Wait, I hear Him now
And my soul is dancing to the sound

As I look up at You
And gaze upon Your face
I feel the depth of Your love
And the strength of Your grace.
You tell me,
"Baby Girl,
Sometimes real isn't real;
Sometimes truth isn't what you feel.
Hear me now...
Sometimes real isn't real;
Sometimes truth isn't what you feel."

So come out heart,
Your cage is loosed.
And peace breathe free
From rage's noose.
Strength you're renewed
For joy is the truth.
And End you're finished
Cause He's done with you.

So many words,
Hear what I say.
So many steps,
I'm on my way.
So many dreams,
I'll chase them all.
Watch me soar,
I'm not afraid to fall

So look, and see Him now.
Let your joy rise from the ground.
Wait, and hear Him now.
Let your soul dance to the sound.
Let your soul dance to the sound.

1 Tim 4:12 (part 2)

Continued thoughts on 1 Timothy 4:12

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young..."

Revised version for the purpose of viewing it as an "elder:"

"Don't look down on the young..."

I know, I know, I know... I'm not considered old yet. I may not be officially a part of an elder grouping, but I do find myself in places of a mentor at times and have realized that I, too, have looked down on the young.

Why, I wondered, as I read this over and over again, do I do this? I believe there are two major reasons for my doing this.

First, I have been disappointed many times by those I've mentored. I often feel as though my love, advice, and/or encouragement go right through their ears. This often makes me a little less than hopeful for their growth.

These frustrations, though, are not the response in me that scares me...

My second reason I am discovering I have for looking down on the young is pride. Yes that horrible sneaky sin. I find myself not wanting to be on the same level of someone younger (whether in actual age or in the faith).

I remember hearing through my younger years that I was intelligent, wise, or spiritually sound, especially for a young person. What is meant as encouragement can also puff someone up (I think that's why Proverbs speaks of how compliments are tests, Proverbs 27:21). I have often desired to be great, and have felt the younger I became great, the greater I would be. I am seeing that as I'm getting older I am more and more jealous of young ones who still have the opportunity of young greatness. This has led me at times to withhold wisdom I could share or to look down on the young. I have looked down on them so I won't feel as though they can really teach me. In those deep, hidden beliefs that grip tighter in their secrecy I fear that if I can be taught by someone younger than I'm really not that great of a person, or I have missed my potential.

This belief system is, of course, poppycock. Why?

I CAN learn from them, and my learning shouldn't make me feel any less of a person. The young are as much vessels of God as I am. God has used donkeys and even "wicked" people. I'm not any greater when God chooses to use me. He can use who He wants. It has nothing to do with me... SOOO I shouldn't be jealous when God uses someone else, I shouldn't use God's blessings as a means to puff up my pride.

Without pride there is no jealousy, and without jealousy I will have no good reason to look down on the young.  

This is wonderful! Now to replace some bad beliefs....

1 Tim 4:12

These are some thoughts from last night's Lectio Divina at the ROCK youth group.

1 Timothy 4:12

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." 

... First thing that jumped out at me: "...For the believers..."

Why would we need to have the mindset to be an example for the believers? Shouldn't the believers already do well in these things? 

Just a thought: Often as believers we can become stagnant or plateau. We can easily begin to think that we're good enough, especially if we compare ourselves to the believer next to us... Maybe we doing "better" than them, or maybe we doing about the same. I think this exhortation to be an example is the positive way of saying don't compare or measure yourself to others. If you have the mindset of being an example your going to live according to Christ instead of according to your neighbor. Instead of meeting diluted expectations you are able to go beyond "good enough" (whatever that is) and show others what it truly means to be Christ in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.

NY Revolutions

New Years Revolutions.

It seems a little early to be thinking about this. But I'm beginning to wonder if the reason for so many failed revolutions is the fact we jump into them cold turkey... literally, more than a month after the turkey was cooked. I think I'll start some goals now... then when revolutions are in season, I'll already be ahead of the game. ; )

bad belief

What do you do when you've discovered a bad belief in your system?

You replace the old for the new.

Yes, it's that simple. It's just not that easy.

attraction

I really, really, really, really, really dislike being very much attracted to someone, but also being pretty sure that they are not someone I would marry. It makes the attraction worthless and in the way.

It's even worse when it happens to be someone I want to be friends with. At least it's not mutual... that would get complicated.

I've asked God many times in the past if He would allow me to only "like" the guy I'm gonna marry. Make things easier, right? I guess He's not all about that. I know He's protected me from so much, but I'm still trying to figure out these hormonal things.... How long have I had them? Haha... it feels pathetic, though I have been told it's normal. I hope to create a new normal.

Even though I'm having a hard time trying to figure things out, I'm not too worried about it. I want to protect my heart, so I'm giving it to God. If He allows someone to have a part of it as well then it must be okay. I just have to remember everyday to give to God. I seem to take it back by the evening. I'm not much for truly giving up control. But it is evening now and I'll give this heart back to Him. I think He's already holding it, but just to make sure I'll give it again.

Attractions come and go. It annoys me.
Jesus never loses His awesomeness. That never annoys me.

I'm glad something doesn't. ;)

good enough

I often question how well I actually do things? Am I really good enough in anything? Do I really have talents or gifts, or am I mediocre. I question this a lot. It seems to have been the bane of me for many years. I questioned this a lot until I realized... It doesn't matter.

Compassion

I feel suspended in air

But I know it’s Your hands upon me.

Floating, drifting, seemingly without purpose

Yet I know it’s for You

            For me

                        For Us.

My broken heart is whole

I do not understand this paradox

Compassion

It’s what You use to break it

In this broken state it is whole

Peace and Joy hold it together

It is broken for a reason

For this reason alone is it still whole

Pouring thick Grace and Love

To the brim of my heart

A continuous flow

For the sake of the cracks

The cracks

For the sake of those in my sphere

What I take in

My brokenness allows me to share

What I take in

My wholeness graces me with enough

I feel suspended in air

But I know it’s Your hands upon me.

Floating, drifting, seemingly without purpose

Yet I know it’s for You

            For me

                        For Them

                                    For Us!

It will always be for us

For we are one

Welcome Holy Spirit

Break and make whole

fatness, ugliness, and renewing the culture?

Last night I had a dream. I had pulled up my pant legs for some reason and as I looked at my legs they were bulbous. I had actual cankles and fat hung over and bulged below my knees.

As looked more at myself… at my stomach and my overall appearance I was appalled. I had the Grinch belly and just as much non-pleasant character in my face. I look like I had stuffed myself with so much cottage cheese that it was trying to burst through my skin. If it weren’t for my fat breasts I would have looked like a unattractive man. I guess that means a very, very unattractive female.

I remember trying to comfort myself. I told myself I was still beautiful, but ha ha ha… I sure didn’t believe it. Neither did anyone else looking at me. I then tried telling myself that the beauty was on the inside. A lot of good that did. I peered into the mirror and saw my eyes and the reflection of what I held inside and it was no better than what the outside held. I saw all the ugly parts of me.

Basically it was an ugly dream. Part of it though was more than a dream. I know that most of what I saw was not a true reflection of me, but it's sure how I’ve been feeling lately. I try not to let what others say…. Even the ones meant to be mean… get to me. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job, but I guess I never realized how much some of these words had stuck with me and really got me deep.

I miss feeling as though I am truly, unashamedly beautiful. It was so pure and so intense during my time in Redding. How quickly I lost that. What must I do to regain it? I don’t have the time or opportunity to worship and go to classes that worship, glorify, or talk of God, who He is, and who I am in Him all the time  as I did then. There needs to be a culture here of what happened there. How do I do that? I can’t do it alone, but how do I  do my part? I don’t want to have to live in Redding to be that close or real with God. How do I help create that culture when the girls I work with 2/3rds of my month constantly surround me and breathe deep of entitlement, cynicism, and other deadly lies? It’s hard to keep clean and pure in this environment, let alone trying to help those who breathe dirty to live clean.

I so desperately need more of Jesus though. I desperately need to know who I am. I guess memorizing scriptures and worship is what I need to keep doing (and maybe intensify the amount I do). I want to clean up this inside. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and be able to receive the love He and others have for me. I want to clean up my physical body as well. So much I want and need to do. Show me wisdom on my time management Father. I can’t do much when I feel this way, so maybe give me a boost?

ondaysix.com?

I put a picture and filled out a little info for a profile on ondaysix.com, a dating site created by Bethel Church people.

I haven't filled out too much information yet.

A lot of the questions have to do with what I want in a spouse. And while I know a little of what I want, I don't know how to answer much of those questions. The things I really want to say... I don't know how to say. Maybe because I don't know truly what I want beyond a relationship ordained and blessed by God.

I feel like I'm being desperate by doing this. Yet, I don't think I am. Every once in a while lonely, but not desperate. I don't know why I did it. Maybe because I keep getting asked why I have no significant other... or keep being given suggestions.

I'm kind of nervous too. I almost don't want anyone to take an interest... I fear a lot. I've waited so long. I don't want to be swept off my feet or get into a relationship that will end. I just want to marry... not date. I want a friend to travel with me, a friend to be there and hold me, a friend I can sing to sleep, a lover I can support in all His endeavors, a leader who will dive in deeper with me into the wondrousness of God.

I want romantic love, but I desire to realize a deeper love...

So I really don't know why I signed up. But I did. Lord have Your will.

Jealousy

I hate when I'm jealous. It's an ugly trait.

12:08

So much going through my mind right now.

Why, when it is best for me to sleep am I awake. All day I was wanting this hour to come... the time to sleep.
So I listen to the Frozen Ocean.

Still... there is so much going through my mind.

thoughts on entitlement, contentment, music, my errs, my gifts, where I stand right now, the future, joys and sorrows of this time... and honestly reflecting on the past and visiting the future. According to CS Lewis, those latter things should be visited only briefly and very rarely.

I'm trying to focus. Maybe I could get my thoughts out on one entire subject. That's not working. The loudest, boldest thought playing before me is very personal. That may be why I can't focus on anything else... trying to stay away from the one thought. I've spent so much time on it already though. It's past and future. It takes away from present and contentedness. It is not good for me then.

So what do I do as I play pinball with my thoughts?

Guess I'll just turn of the noises and listen for something more in the silence. What else is there to do?

i'm so afraid to sing.

i've convinced myself i had something special. i've convinced myself i lost it to the unknown wrongness in my throat.

Not that i have stopped singing all together, but i crutch it. When i feel i truly falter or my overall "eh-ness" concerning my voice i blame it on the broken throat. it's not that i don't want to take credit for the good and bad i do... it's just that i'm afraid i'm bad.

i'm afraid that my throat will never feel good again, that it'll always hurt to do something that i greatly enjoy doing.

i'm afraid it'll stop hurting, but i won't be what i thought/think i ought to be, should be. And then what do i have? No pain to excuse or fall on.

i'm afraid it'll stop hurting and i'll be good... and then find myself loving myself too much. finding myself with pride. i'm afraid i will not sing for God. Maybe about Him, but not for or to Him.

i'm afraid and i know this is wrong, but i am.

Lord help me. i want to sing to you. for you.