Jealousy

I hate when I'm jealous. It's an ugly trait.

12:08

So much going through my mind right now.

Why, when it is best for me to sleep am I awake. All day I was wanting this hour to come... the time to sleep.
So I listen to the Frozen Ocean.

Still... there is so much going through my mind.

thoughts on entitlement, contentment, music, my errs, my gifts, where I stand right now, the future, joys and sorrows of this time... and honestly reflecting on the past and visiting the future. According to CS Lewis, those latter things should be visited only briefly and very rarely.

I'm trying to focus. Maybe I could get my thoughts out on one entire subject. That's not working. The loudest, boldest thought playing before me is very personal. That may be why I can't focus on anything else... trying to stay away from the one thought. I've spent so much time on it already though. It's past and future. It takes away from present and contentedness. It is not good for me then.

So what do I do as I play pinball with my thoughts?

Guess I'll just turn of the noises and listen for something more in the silence. What else is there to do?

i'm so afraid to sing.

i've convinced myself i had something special. i've convinced myself i lost it to the unknown wrongness in my throat.

Not that i have stopped singing all together, but i crutch it. When i feel i truly falter or my overall "eh-ness" concerning my voice i blame it on the broken throat. it's not that i don't want to take credit for the good and bad i do... it's just that i'm afraid i'm bad.

i'm afraid that my throat will never feel good again, that it'll always hurt to do something that i greatly enjoy doing.

i'm afraid it'll stop hurting, but i won't be what i thought/think i ought to be, should be. And then what do i have? No pain to excuse or fall on.

i'm afraid it'll stop hurting and i'll be good... and then find myself loving myself too much. finding myself with pride. i'm afraid i will not sing for God. Maybe about Him, but not for or to Him.

i'm afraid and i know this is wrong, but i am.

Lord help me. i want to sing to you. for you.

inner groanings.

i'm weeping.

Crying doesn't do good for those that are sick. My head was already hurting, now it's pounding.

It would be one thing if i was crying over the crazy decisions and life changes i have to make. i know some of those are worth weeping over. Right now though i am weeping for more horrendous reasons.

What do you do when you're reminded of the emotions, the looks, the words, the persons that were influential of your earlier bouts of intense depression and self-mutilation? When those you would turn to for comfort are the those reminding you?

You turn to God.

That is the correct answer. Why is it so hard to do at times? Why can't it be easier? I'm praying right now in the sense that i feel my inner groanings crying out and my voice whispering the sweet name of Jesus, bust is that prayer enough. i feel myself calming, but has anything come from this time? Have i grown... whether in maturity, or in faith, or more in love? or have i just curbed emotion into writing instead of fully turning to my Creator?

God hear me from heaven. Come heal this heart... not just the open wounds, but those i've bandaged over for quite some time. i am yearning for arms to hold me, but i want to just yearn for your arms. i want to yearn for just you. Hear me Lord, hear me! Hold me Lord, hold me.

i love you.

Give me wisdom on what to do next. Keep my hands from harming.

i love you.

attention

you ever get the place where you're calling out... I WANT ATTENTION?

well that's where i am right now. but my head is throbbing and such... i don't think i could really handle attention.

but i wonder. why do i feel that way? i'm sure its natural eh? everyone wants attention at some points, but is it right? do we really NEED attention? if someone is attention starved they are desiring attention. to me the word starve would insinuate that one is not getting the right amount of something that it needs. thus being starved.

so if im desiring attention right now.... what should i do? should i gather myself up and deal with it or should i search out people give them attention and hope they return the favor?

why is attention so important? why do i crave to be seen? not all the time, i just want to know you see me, hear me, enjoy me. but why? what within me is starved? why attention?

hmmmm

another issue of the heart.

two friends, that arent so much friends anymore. problems on both ends... theirs and mine. right now the issue with me though is mine. i cant change them and right now it almost seems like i cant change me. thats what bothers me. i say i want change but if i did, wouldn't i be really seeking God right now? i should. i'm afraid he will say the problem is with me, but leave me with my remorse without giving me a way of redemption, at least redemption how i can grasp it. i know its not about grasping it, i dont need to understand. yet sometimes i feel i do. i dont want forgiveness unless i think its deserved. that thought used to be just reserved for me, and for the most part it still is. slowly though i see it creeping into the way i view others too. this here lies my problem. i think.

but i'm also afraid he'll tell me everythings fine. but that would leave me with an unfixable heart throbbing. why God have you made me so sensitive. not too petty matters thrown at me. call me names, punch me, hurt my feelings. fine i can deal with it. but give me some form of conscience issue and i find myself wanting to writhe on the floor. i feel like i deserve a lynching. and maybe i do. maybe we all do, but that's not the point. everyone tells me lynching is wrong, including doing it to myself. but how do i get clean? well i know the answer, the christianly correct answer. and try my hardest its difficult for me to believe it. i'm so sensitive im tough. if that works.

prepare my heart. clear up the ten inch road block between my head and heart. i dont wanna just know the truth, i want to believe and LIVE the truth. God please do something in me. i need more than this mundane i've allowed my relationship fall into. forgive me and cleanse me. keep me from the evil one... and from satan.

365 days of forgiveness.

Being back home has brought some memories back to me. obviously. some good... some not so good. the latter is my reason for writing.

its crazy you know, i haven't even seen certain people, yet i can't get my mind off of 'em.

i see the long grass sticking through the snow... yellow with death, but still acting alive. stubborn and ugly. not willing to succumb to a beautiful white death. waiting for spring hoping this next year will be different. hoping they'll get more attention than the wild flowers, finally noticed for something. but i'm reminded that just doesn't happen. least not here, not in memory lane.

i remember being treated as if i was a wildflower by someone other than my parents and friends... okay by a boy. a boy old enough to be a man, but i don't know if he was. i was scared of the attention at first, not used it. but i loved it. started buying that maybe i was a beautiful wildflower, but of course the moment i cinched my belief was followed by the moments that showed me how much of a tall grass weed i was. at least to this boy.

over 365 days of forgiving. does it really take that long? well Lord i'll choose it again. for another 365+ days, as long as it takes. i choose to forgive. its not a feeling but an action and right now i move to that.