Single

Last night I talked with friend with whom I trade prayer requests periodically. Our prior prayer request trading he spoke of wanting his heart prepared and receiving direction in the pursuit of a woman. I'm not the greatest at remembering to pray all the time, so I prayed as soon as we stopped conversing.

As we updated last night he told me of an experience he had when he went to a worship event right after we had last chatted. He said that God spoke to him. That God asked him to pursue Him and be with Him and such (I don't remember exact words and don't want to butcher the what he shared). He said that it was the first time he ever really WANTED to be single. Content in singleness is what I got out of it. After we finished talking, I laid in bed halfway asleep, thinking, and two things struck me from this.

First, mere hours, if even that, after we prayed for God to give direction and prepare his heart... God began to answer. What better preparation of the heart than spending time with God, focusing on Him? What better way to truly find direction than with unspoiled contentedness? I thought that was cool. Gotta love my God.

Second, this young man has dated before, and while I have technically been on a date or two, I have never dated nor have I been 1/2 of a couple before. Bringing up his feeling of wanting to be single, he mentioned that it has been a while since he's been in a relationship. My unvoiced thoughts responded in a somewhat prideful manner, "Huh, I've been single my whole life." No longer than a moment passed before I was mentally checked. This contentedness in single life has nothing to do with how long one has been single. My being single didn't stem just from choice. Pride, fear, wisdom, and lack of prospects has kept me in this state. Some of the time I have been content, but I have to admit most of my recent history has been riddled with seeking out "the one," grumbling to God about loneliness, and cuddling up to my pillows wishing it were a warm, loving, good looking husband ;).
So as I listened to this man of God speak of the words that God had beckoned him with, I felt like God was beckoning me.

I want to answer His call. I want to be content in my singleness. Trusting fully in His path for me. :) Good God, good stuff.

Try Harder

After a long day of not talking with God much, putting Him on the back burner during my free time, and avoiding quality time because I didn't want to feel bad for procrastinating, I finally decided I needed to take communion before going to bed.

During the quiet of getting my heart right, I began my feeble apologies. Feeble... not that I wasn't sincere; I was just tired of being at that place again. Even as I continued the humbled cries, my mind's eye saw a kiss land upon my cheek.

At that moment I knew that God didn't want me continue this way. He didn't want to beat me. He didn't want me to dwell and wallow on my own filth. He didn't even want me to try harder.

It was that last thought that caused me most pause. He didn't want me to try harder...? Are we sure about this? Trying harder has always been my thought. That's how I fix things. I thought that's what He wanted me to do.

But those moments that followed these thoughts brought clarity for the briefest of times. So here I am trying to record it. He didn't want me to say I'll try harder, all He wanted was for me to receive His love. So I did.

And will continue to do throughout this night. I hope I will be wise enough to continue tomorrow.

Joy can be a strange thing.

Joy can be a strange thing.

Every time a heart's tear splatters into my stomach, at least ten jolts of laughter come forth.
It doesn't happen right away most days; sometimes it takes weeks for the tear to fall that far. When it does though... it's good.

Like this morning. My days have not been bad lately, just hard. A lot pressing upon me and a lot rising up within me. The combination has made tears and a heavy heart kind of the norm. Even with this though, I have not been overtly distressed. Depression has not sunk it's teeth into me. Joy still is there, even in the tears.

Right now, my stomach aches... a dull gut feeling. It's coming from the thoughts of all that has been on me lately. Even with this feeling though I feel the splatters of long falling tears. They tickle. I haven't even gotten into the Word yet today, but such a joy in the Lord! I could just stay here... listen to music that glorifies Him, read blogs and thoughts of those who love Him, sit in silence waiting for Him. If He doesn't come tangibly I still know He's here. How amazing is that!!!!

What a joy that can sprout from sorrow. There is still much heaviness and I know much will have to be worked out in the next few days. Many more tears will be cried this weekend. There will probably be more moments of writhing from the pain in my being. I'm sure disappointments will try to eclipse the hope I have as I journey these coming evenings. In all of this though, I will joy in the Lord. In all of this I know multitudes of laughter will bubble up from my belly.

When it finally does, watch out Hell! The power of my weeping to bring healing is nothing compared to the power of the laughter that God uses in me to crumble your walls and foundations!

today's prinking

I don't like this Lord.
I don't know what to do.
But I'm thinking I don't have to.
I gave You my heart.
YOU protect it.
Sounds good.
Amen.

Hello Heart

Hello Heart.
I gave you away today.
Hope you're not mad.
I really do love you a lot,
But I realized I'm not the best for you.
I've placed you in dangerous circumstances.
I let dirty rotten fingers hold you,
And despite my cleanings, you still bear the stains.
Your eyes I've allowed to linger on hope-crushing fantasies.
Your ears have been opened to beauty destroying lies and death filled words.
I became ashamed of you and the tears you brought me.
So I pushed you into dark closets and forgot you there.
I was scared of things you made me feel.
When I finally brought you out into the light once more,
You were hesitant, distant, and very unwilling to trust.
I know things were getting better.
We were working on it...
Our fresh cuts were beginning to look like scars,
And our old scars were beginning to fade.
It's been pretty good for a while now.
I know you may not understand why,
But trust me.
I've seen old habits popping up in me.
I've allowed us to listen to some death words.
I don't want you to go through that again.
This is why I'm giving you away.
He's a good man.
He gave you to me in the first place.
I figure that He'll know what's best for you more than I do.
And better than knowing...
He'll do what's best.
I know it's hard right now,
But we're together with Him.
When He decides to give you away
It'll be the happiest day of our lives.
But trust me till then.
Trust Him.
He knows what's best.
Forgive me for the hurt I've caused you.
I forgive you.
I love you.
That's why I'm doing this.

'till then my beautiful heart,

Bethany

Being a Star

I most definitely enjoy the arts. Pretty much anything under that genre of stuff... acting, dancing, painting, writing, singing, playing an instrument... anything that pulls out creativity. Coming with that, I want my art to be seen, heard, known. I have a lot of mini dreams that fall into this area. They're mini because I don't tend to explore them. Something usually stops me from searching them out more than just a thought before bed, or a lingering desire after certain types of movies. Mostly that something is fear. Fear of failure and fear of actually being good and then that being my downfall... a fear of pride. These fears haven't quite squashed the seed that propaganda has planted within. I want to be a star. Not star as in everyone knows me and wants to be me, but star as in everyone knows my creations.

Reach for the stars...
Be a star...
Follow your dreams...
Be the best...
Be YOU, cause YOU is great, but let's just change this, so that way YOU can have all YOU want.

Some of this I even hear from within the church. It sounds good. It sounds great. I was even thinking that it's Biblical and what God wants, but without much search into, I'm beginning to wonder on the truth of it. I don't think it's Biblical, I think it's American. It's society's "good" philosophy.

Not that it's wrong to be all I can be. Or necessarily wrong that I want to be seen. Or even wrong that I follow dreams, But

When did it become all about me?

Why do I want to be a star? All puffed up with gas.... millions of light years away where my light is seen, but barely. To be a star in the sky would be to be seen only a glimpse of who I am created to be. Again, started to sound like it's all about me...

But what if I am the moon? What if I am seen, but the light that shines forth is the glory I have always been called to carry... the reflection of the light of the sun, the glory of the Son. Then it wouldn't be about me. I would be ray of hope in the night, reminding all who are in the dark that there is a sun and it will rise again.

I don't know how coherent any of this is... maybe one day I'll read through this and make it more cohesive, but it's just some thoughts that were weighing on my mind as I lie here in bed.

Sometimes truth isn't what you feel.

So many words
What should I say?
So many steps
Tell me which should I take?
So many dreams
That I'd like to chase,
But I'm standing here
Afraid of mistakes

But look, I see Him now
And my joy is rising off the ground
Wait, I hear Him now
And my soul is dancing to the sound

My heart is free,
But locked in a cage.
My peace is here,
But wrapped in a rage.
My strength's renewed,
But feels so aged.
Am I done?
At the end of my page?

But look, I see Him now
And my joy is rising off the ground
Wait, I hear Him now
And my soul is dancing to the sound

As I look up at You
And gaze upon Your face
I feel the depth of Your love
And the strength of Your grace.
You tell me,
"Baby Girl,
Sometimes real isn't real;
Sometimes truth isn't what you feel.
Hear me now...
Sometimes real isn't real;
Sometimes truth isn't what you feel."

So come out heart,
Your cage is loosed.
And peace breathe free
From rage's noose.
Strength you're renewed
For joy is the truth.
And End you're finished
Cause He's done with you.

So many words,
Hear what I say.
So many steps,
I'm on my way.
So many dreams,
I'll chase them all.
Watch me soar,
I'm not afraid to fall

So look, and see Him now.
Let your joy rise from the ground.
Wait, and hear Him now.
Let your soul dance to the sound.
Let your soul dance to the sound.