fatness, ugliness, and renewing the culture?

Last night I had a dream. I had pulled up my pant legs for some reason and as I looked at my legs they were bulbous. I had actual cankles and fat hung over and bulged below my knees.

As looked more at myself… at my stomach and my overall appearance I was appalled. I had the Grinch belly and just as much non-pleasant character in my face. I look like I had stuffed myself with so much cottage cheese that it was trying to burst through my skin. If it weren’t for my fat breasts I would have looked like a unattractive man. I guess that means a very, very unattractive female.

I remember trying to comfort myself. I told myself I was still beautiful, but ha ha ha… I sure didn’t believe it. Neither did anyone else looking at me. I then tried telling myself that the beauty was on the inside. A lot of good that did. I peered into the mirror and saw my eyes and the reflection of what I held inside and it was no better than what the outside held. I saw all the ugly parts of me.

Basically it was an ugly dream. Part of it though was more than a dream. I know that most of what I saw was not a true reflection of me, but it's sure how I’ve been feeling lately. I try not to let what others say…. Even the ones meant to be mean… get to me. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job, but I guess I never realized how much some of these words had stuck with me and really got me deep.

I miss feeling as though I am truly, unashamedly beautiful. It was so pure and so intense during my time in Redding. How quickly I lost that. What must I do to regain it? I don’t have the time or opportunity to worship and go to classes that worship, glorify, or talk of God, who He is, and who I am in Him all the time  as I did then. There needs to be a culture here of what happened there. How do I do that? I can’t do it alone, but how do I  do my part? I don’t want to have to live in Redding to be that close or real with God. How do I help create that culture when the girls I work with 2/3rds of my month constantly surround me and breathe deep of entitlement, cynicism, and other deadly lies? It’s hard to keep clean and pure in this environment, let alone trying to help those who breathe dirty to live clean.

I so desperately need more of Jesus though. I desperately need to know who I am. I guess memorizing scriptures and worship is what I need to keep doing (and maybe intensify the amount I do). I want to clean up this inside. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and be able to receive the love He and others have for me. I want to clean up my physical body as well. So much I want and need to do. Show me wisdom on my time management Father. I can’t do much when I feel this way, so maybe give me a boost?

ondaysix.com?

I put a picture and filled out a little info for a profile on ondaysix.com, a dating site created by Bethel Church people.

I haven't filled out too much information yet.

A lot of the questions have to do with what I want in a spouse. And while I know a little of what I want, I don't know how to answer much of those questions. The things I really want to say... I don't know how to say. Maybe because I don't know truly what I want beyond a relationship ordained and blessed by God.

I feel like I'm being desperate by doing this. Yet, I don't think I am. Every once in a while lonely, but not desperate. I don't know why I did it. Maybe because I keep getting asked why I have no significant other... or keep being given suggestions.

I'm kind of nervous too. I almost don't want anyone to take an interest... I fear a lot. I've waited so long. I don't want to be swept off my feet or get into a relationship that will end. I just want to marry... not date. I want a friend to travel with me, a friend to be there and hold me, a friend I can sing to sleep, a lover I can support in all His endeavors, a leader who will dive in deeper with me into the wondrousness of God.

I want romantic love, but I desire to realize a deeper love...

So I really don't know why I signed up. But I did. Lord have Your will.

Jealousy

I hate when I'm jealous. It's an ugly trait.

12:08

So much going through my mind right now.

Why, when it is best for me to sleep am I awake. All day I was wanting this hour to come... the time to sleep.
So I listen to the Frozen Ocean.

Still... there is so much going through my mind.

thoughts on entitlement, contentment, music, my errs, my gifts, where I stand right now, the future, joys and sorrows of this time... and honestly reflecting on the past and visiting the future. According to CS Lewis, those latter things should be visited only briefly and very rarely.

I'm trying to focus. Maybe I could get my thoughts out on one entire subject. That's not working. The loudest, boldest thought playing before me is very personal. That may be why I can't focus on anything else... trying to stay away from the one thought. I've spent so much time on it already though. It's past and future. It takes away from present and contentedness. It is not good for me then.

So what do I do as I play pinball with my thoughts?

Guess I'll just turn of the noises and listen for something more in the silence. What else is there to do?

i'm so afraid to sing.

i've convinced myself i had something special. i've convinced myself i lost it to the unknown wrongness in my throat.

Not that i have stopped singing all together, but i crutch it. When i feel i truly falter or my overall "eh-ness" concerning my voice i blame it on the broken throat. it's not that i don't want to take credit for the good and bad i do... it's just that i'm afraid i'm bad.

i'm afraid that my throat will never feel good again, that it'll always hurt to do something that i greatly enjoy doing.

i'm afraid it'll stop hurting, but i won't be what i thought/think i ought to be, should be. And then what do i have? No pain to excuse or fall on.

i'm afraid it'll stop hurting and i'll be good... and then find myself loving myself too much. finding myself with pride. i'm afraid i will not sing for God. Maybe about Him, but not for or to Him.

i'm afraid and i know this is wrong, but i am.

Lord help me. i want to sing to you. for you.

inner groanings.

i'm weeping.

Crying doesn't do good for those that are sick. My head was already hurting, now it's pounding.

It would be one thing if i was crying over the crazy decisions and life changes i have to make. i know some of those are worth weeping over. Right now though i am weeping for more horrendous reasons.

What do you do when you're reminded of the emotions, the looks, the words, the persons that were influential of your earlier bouts of intense depression and self-mutilation? When those you would turn to for comfort are the those reminding you?

You turn to God.

That is the correct answer. Why is it so hard to do at times? Why can't it be easier? I'm praying right now in the sense that i feel my inner groanings crying out and my voice whispering the sweet name of Jesus, bust is that prayer enough. i feel myself calming, but has anything come from this time? Have i grown... whether in maturity, or in faith, or more in love? or have i just curbed emotion into writing instead of fully turning to my Creator?

God hear me from heaven. Come heal this heart... not just the open wounds, but those i've bandaged over for quite some time. i am yearning for arms to hold me, but i want to just yearn for your arms. i want to yearn for just you. Hear me Lord, hear me! Hold me Lord, hold me.

i love you.

Give me wisdom on what to do next. Keep my hands from harming.

i love you.

attention

you ever get the place where you're calling out... I WANT ATTENTION?

well that's where i am right now. but my head is throbbing and such... i don't think i could really handle attention.

but i wonder. why do i feel that way? i'm sure its natural eh? everyone wants attention at some points, but is it right? do we really NEED attention? if someone is attention starved they are desiring attention. to me the word starve would insinuate that one is not getting the right amount of something that it needs. thus being starved.

so if im desiring attention right now.... what should i do? should i gather myself up and deal with it or should i search out people give them attention and hope they return the favor?

why is attention so important? why do i crave to be seen? not all the time, i just want to know you see me, hear me, enjoy me. but why? what within me is starved? why attention?