and todays struggle with pride

I just finished reading today my freshman writing book, Finding Calcutta by Mary Poplin.

It's about Mary Poplin's sabbatical volunteering in Calcutta working alongside of Mother Teresa and the missionaries of Charity. Beautiful book. I would suggest it.

After reading it, I have decided I have a confession to make. And whether anyone reads this or not... I only have two followers right now... haha... it's my confession.

I have dreaded being a music major since coming to APU. Overall its not been a bad experience, but its been rough. I really don't know what my true issue is, but the whole concept of me doing music scares me. I don't feel my brain computes with this. While at this moment I still don't feel I want to continue beyond this semester with music majoring (not giving up on music, just not making it my one and only focus), I am determining now to do my best on not relying on my own strength to do it. Cause I'm right... I personally can't do it.

But God is the one who has called me here, He is the one who will provide the means to complete this task... whether just for this semester of for beyond.

Two quotes from Finding Calcutta I'd like to share go as follows:
"My pride not only gives me the illusion that I am the master of my fate, but it also causes me to limit what I will attempt. Knowing my natural limitations, I narrow my work accordingly. Yet Mother saw her "nothingness" and God's greatness, and in due course established a worldwide organization (34)"
"If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinion. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult to practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus (94)."

I realize even though I have been saying... "God I am doing your will"... I'm not fully submitting to it. I am in some sorts, but my heart and all of me aren't fully released to God. Because of pride in myself I have held onto parts of it. And this in turn has brought me stress, discouragement, a feeling of being crippled, and overall lack of peace. I can't do this on my own. It's kinda nice to know that I don't have to. Neither do you.

still

still.. raphah- Hebrew- relax, let go, faint, sink down, let down, leave off, abandon

cease

cease what? let go of what? abandon what?

Psalm 46:10
be still and know I am God...

literally leave of [your own attempts] and know.

stop trying to make it happen on your own. its not gonna work.

Psalm 46:10b
...I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

my own attempts to make things happen... my own attempts even to make God's name be exalted in the world will fail. its not up to me to do it. its up to me to cease my own attempts and realize who God is, who i am through Him.

be still... cease your own attempts

whats with these walls?

so close yet hindered. i feel as though we are at a breaking point? but what are we breaking? what are we breaking through to?

i dont know, but i do know i want to find out. i can only imagine and am waiting for more. this is it.

whats it gonna take to break? what more do i give? what do WE do? who is this we? where do i belong... we belong?

show me father... show me my love.

i'm chipping away at this wall... more needs to happen we're almost there.... WHAT NOW?

be still?! what God?!!?

i want these walls to come crashing down... and you say no marching? no more pleading? what action are e to take... whats it gonna take?

being still? HOW?

i dont understand.... im aching to go, to move, to break down this wall... im stirring inside and all you want me to do is be STILL???? why!?!

what does it mean to be still?

a thought

Today at the Rising (the Sunday night young adults service i have been attending) talked about moving... going forward in doing God's will, serving in His kingdom. Great things said, i enjoyed the service.

We watched a short video about these children in Africa that have no shoes, so they get chiggers in their feet and it turns all nasty. its rampant and easily stopped with the help of shoes. we had an offering for them. im glad we did... i want them to have shoes.

we were also given the opportunity to put the shoes we were wearing onto the altar so that they may be passed out among the homeless of the area. also another good thing. i'm gladd we did it... i want them to have shoes too.

but a thought came to me- "we've done our good deed. time to go to life as normal."

i know that's not what God... or the pastor/speaker... or many people in the congregation really want, but it sure enough seems like its the norm of these type of services. i think that's why we have so many of them. if we continued faithfully to do the work set before us, we wouldnt need to talk about doing it.

i am sorrowed. and a lil stirred, which i guess is good. i'm glad i see where we're messed up, i'm messed up, cause now it means i can do something about it.

so i guess my prayer is that we we would be spurred into more than just throwing in a couple dollars in an offering. we took it a step further with the shoes, but there is still much to do. let us say here we are send us... and as He is our Lord- do as He says to do.

i'm tired right now, so i don't know how coherent this will turn out.

i just finished a conversation with a girl on my hall. My sighings about the lack of true artistic flow i've been having came up. I feel so dry. Yet... yes yet... i believe its okay. i dont know it yet, but i'm working on that.

art is not my description. art is just a form in which i can release the things that God has put inside of me. Thank you Lord for the opportunities you have given me in using the arts. i bless your name for it. but i realize that if God takes my art away from me, then i can still be bethany. for i am not defined by art, but by God.

so the question is... who is it Lord that you are calling me to be in this moment? a musician? you'll need to help with that. a person who's still? i need even more help with that. what are you defining me as? i am defined by God, so what are you defining me as.

Lately I have been utterly in love with God. maybe my definition lately is a lover. that would be unique unto me... wouldnt pull it passed God. i am a lover. God's lover. is that who i am?

part of me. a big part at least. i can survive without art... i dont want to but i can. as long as i know that i have my lover by my side. Lord keep me in love with you.... not emotions or feeling-ish but in love with you.

but this is my struggle, for the moment... am i to still pursue art at this time or put it aside for a bit? am i truly suppose to not be plugged in with everything... no church assignments, nothing above discipleship at school... no sports, no clubs, nothing? are you for real God? how still are you wanting me God? and what about music... why music? what are you wanting me to get out of it.... what are you wanting me to give with it?

Lord... i don't know much, but i know you are faithful. answer me, give me wisdom. i put my trust in you.

~*~*~

churning deep with emotions. how they stir within me. what can i say what can i do?

will they listen to me? do i even have anything to say of value? i feel unworthy, inadequate, yet i quake with desire with drive...

i dream i am running, i am straining and pumping my legs as far as they can go, and yet here i am not moving. all i have is prayer. all i have is you my Father

alone, yet never alone. different but i know thats what you want from me. your will not mine o my priceless Pearl.

Move! please i do not know how long i can last with this aching in my spirit... i long to see you move in your people. and i ask and beg that you use me. yet who am i?

i am your loved one. i am yours and you are mine.

conformity

trapped in a dream. screaming for an escape. the colors of fear are dreadful, haunting my vision. bland to the eyes and heavy to the heart. conformity. a daunting thought. and your sound, oh conformity... repulsive and and enticing. i desire to be a part of you, i detest the thought of you.
easily i fall, hard though i fight. stuck in side of me inside out. no words to fully allow you to comprehend my dreaming. my fearing, my screaming. a warning to us all... a warning to me. its time to fight. take your breaths guarded, one arm holding the weapon, the other doing the work. how u terrorize me conformity. conformity.
i am too prideful to join you, to self hating to not. what is connecting and what is conforming.
conformity you're all i see
conformity you're not for me.
and yet the walk i walk is so familiar to yours... thats why i run. i run i run i run. i cannot stand still or you will catch me. only in the fathers arms can i rest. so i run i run i run.