attraction

I really, really, really, really, really dislike being very much attracted to someone, but also being pretty sure that they are not someone I would marry. It makes the attraction worthless and in the way.

It's even worse when it happens to be someone I want to be friends with. At least it's not mutual... that would get complicated.

I've asked God many times in the past if He would allow me to only "like" the guy I'm gonna marry. Make things easier, right? I guess He's not all about that. I know He's protected me from so much, but I'm still trying to figure out these hormonal things.... How long have I had them? Haha... it feels pathetic, though I have been told it's normal. I hope to create a new normal.

Even though I'm having a hard time trying to figure things out, I'm not too worried about it. I want to protect my heart, so I'm giving it to God. If He allows someone to have a part of it as well then it must be okay. I just have to remember everyday to give to God. I seem to take it back by the evening. I'm not much for truly giving up control. But it is evening now and I'll give this heart back to Him. I think He's already holding it, but just to make sure I'll give it again.

Attractions come and go. It annoys me.
Jesus never loses His awesomeness. That never annoys me.

I'm glad something doesn't. ;)

good enough

I often question how well I actually do things? Am I really good enough in anything? Do I really have talents or gifts, or am I mediocre. I question this a lot. It seems to have been the bane of me for many years. I questioned this a lot until I realized... It doesn't matter.

Compassion

I feel suspended in air

But I know it’s Your hands upon me.

Floating, drifting, seemingly without purpose

Yet I know it’s for You

            For me

                        For Us.

My broken heart is whole

I do not understand this paradox

Compassion

It’s what You use to break it

In this broken state it is whole

Peace and Joy hold it together

It is broken for a reason

For this reason alone is it still whole

Pouring thick Grace and Love

To the brim of my heart

A continuous flow

For the sake of the cracks

The cracks

For the sake of those in my sphere

What I take in

My brokenness allows me to share

What I take in

My wholeness graces me with enough

I feel suspended in air

But I know it’s Your hands upon me.

Floating, drifting, seemingly without purpose

Yet I know it’s for You

            For me

                        For Them

                                    For Us!

It will always be for us

For we are one

Welcome Holy Spirit

Break and make whole

fatness, ugliness, and renewing the culture?

Last night I had a dream. I had pulled up my pant legs for some reason and as I looked at my legs they were bulbous. I had actual cankles and fat hung over and bulged below my knees.

As looked more at myself… at my stomach and my overall appearance I was appalled. I had the Grinch belly and just as much non-pleasant character in my face. I look like I had stuffed myself with so much cottage cheese that it was trying to burst through my skin. If it weren’t for my fat breasts I would have looked like a unattractive man. I guess that means a very, very unattractive female.

I remember trying to comfort myself. I told myself I was still beautiful, but ha ha ha… I sure didn’t believe it. Neither did anyone else looking at me. I then tried telling myself that the beauty was on the inside. A lot of good that did. I peered into the mirror and saw my eyes and the reflection of what I held inside and it was no better than what the outside held. I saw all the ugly parts of me.

Basically it was an ugly dream. Part of it though was more than a dream. I know that most of what I saw was not a true reflection of me, but it's sure how I’ve been feeling lately. I try not to let what others say…. Even the ones meant to be mean… get to me. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job, but I guess I never realized how much some of these words had stuck with me and really got me deep.

I miss feeling as though I am truly, unashamedly beautiful. It was so pure and so intense during my time in Redding. How quickly I lost that. What must I do to regain it? I don’t have the time or opportunity to worship and go to classes that worship, glorify, or talk of God, who He is, and who I am in Him all the time  as I did then. There needs to be a culture here of what happened there. How do I do that? I can’t do it alone, but how do I  do my part? I don’t want to have to live in Redding to be that close or real with God. How do I help create that culture when the girls I work with 2/3rds of my month constantly surround me and breathe deep of entitlement, cynicism, and other deadly lies? It’s hard to keep clean and pure in this environment, let alone trying to help those who breathe dirty to live clean.

I so desperately need more of Jesus though. I desperately need to know who I am. I guess memorizing scriptures and worship is what I need to keep doing (and maybe intensify the amount I do). I want to clean up this inside. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and be able to receive the love He and others have for me. I want to clean up my physical body as well. So much I want and need to do. Show me wisdom on my time management Father. I can’t do much when I feel this way, so maybe give me a boost?

ondaysix.com?

I put a picture and filled out a little info for a profile on ondaysix.com, a dating site created by Bethel Church people.

I haven't filled out too much information yet.

A lot of the questions have to do with what I want in a spouse. And while I know a little of what I want, I don't know how to answer much of those questions. The things I really want to say... I don't know how to say. Maybe because I don't know truly what I want beyond a relationship ordained and blessed by God.

I feel like I'm being desperate by doing this. Yet, I don't think I am. Every once in a while lonely, but not desperate. I don't know why I did it. Maybe because I keep getting asked why I have no significant other... or keep being given suggestions.

I'm kind of nervous too. I almost don't want anyone to take an interest... I fear a lot. I've waited so long. I don't want to be swept off my feet or get into a relationship that will end. I just want to marry... not date. I want a friend to travel with me, a friend to be there and hold me, a friend I can sing to sleep, a lover I can support in all His endeavors, a leader who will dive in deeper with me into the wondrousness of God.

I want romantic love, but I desire to realize a deeper love...

So I really don't know why I signed up. But I did. Lord have Your will.

Jealousy

I hate when I'm jealous. It's an ugly trait.

12:08

So much going through my mind right now.

Why, when it is best for me to sleep am I awake. All day I was wanting this hour to come... the time to sleep.
So I listen to the Frozen Ocean.

Still... there is so much going through my mind.

thoughts on entitlement, contentment, music, my errs, my gifts, where I stand right now, the future, joys and sorrows of this time... and honestly reflecting on the past and visiting the future. According to CS Lewis, those latter things should be visited only briefly and very rarely.

I'm trying to focus. Maybe I could get my thoughts out on one entire subject. That's not working. The loudest, boldest thought playing before me is very personal. That may be why I can't focus on anything else... trying to stay away from the one thought. I've spent so much time on it already though. It's past and future. It takes away from present and contentedness. It is not good for me then.

So what do I do as I play pinball with my thoughts?

Guess I'll just turn of the noises and listen for something more in the silence. What else is there to do?