Last night I had a dream. I had pulled up my pant legs for some reason and as I looked at my legs they were bulbous. I had actual cankles and fat hung over and bulged below my knees.
As looked more at myself… at my stomach and my overall appearance I was appalled. I had the Grinch belly and just as much non-pleasant character in my face. I look like I had stuffed myself with so much cottage cheese that it was trying to burst through my skin. If it weren’t for my fat breasts I would have looked like a unattractive man. I guess that means a very, very unattractive female.
I remember trying to comfort myself. I told myself I was still beautiful, but ha ha ha… I sure didn’t believe it. Neither did anyone else looking at me. I then tried telling myself that the beauty was on the inside. A lot of good that did. I peered into the mirror and saw my eyes and the reflection of what I held inside and it was no better than what the outside held. I saw all the ugly parts of me.
Basically it was an ugly dream. Part of it though was more than a dream. I know that most of what I saw was not a true reflection of me, but it's sure how I’ve been feeling lately. I try not to let what others say…. Even the ones meant to be mean… get to me. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job, but I guess I never realized how much some of these words had stuck with me and really got me deep.
I miss feeling as though I am truly, unashamedly beautiful. It was so pure and so intense during my time in Redding. How quickly I lost that. What must I do to regain it? I don’t have the time or opportunity to worship and go to classes that worship, glorify, or talk of God, who He is, and who I am in Him all the time as I did then. There needs to be a culture here of what happened there. How do I do that? I can’t do it alone, but how do I do my part? I don’t want to have to live in Redding to be that close or real with God. How do I help create that culture when the girls I work with 2/3rds of my month constantly surround me and breathe deep of entitlement, cynicism, and other deadly lies? It’s hard to keep clean and pure in this environment, let alone trying to help those who breathe dirty to live clean.
I so desperately need more of Jesus though. I desperately need to know who I am. I guess memorizing scriptures and worship is what I need to keep doing (and maybe intensify the amount I do). I want to clean up this inside. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and be able to receive the love He and others have for me. I want to clean up my physical body as well. So much I want and need to do. Show me wisdom on my time management Father. I can’t do much when I feel this way, so maybe give me a boost?
1 comment:
Hi I'm Monica
I can't truly understand your situation or walk in your shoes, one simple reason I have never met you before. But I do know that this last month deciding to be sincere with the Lord and dying to my flesh by really listening to the Holy Spirits promptings. For instance when I could easily sit down and watch my favorite show,or reading a secular book, listening to secular music, I have been choosing to say,"No, that is temporal, passing, withering like the grass of the field. I'm going to go read His Word or talk with Him, spend more time pursuing the things of God." My life is changing, and everything is changing so see what you're spending your time on.
I could never have forseen where I am now with the Lord. I hope that I have given something, one word that may help.
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