a crazy mind and grace

I was pretty close to a melt-down today. I won't go into gory details. It was probably one of the more severe emotional experiences I've had. Well, I don't know if all of it was emotional. Some pretty freaky stuff happened in my mind as well. I didn't quite like it. That's what made me emotional, or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. Basically, if I didn't have to do my job and focus on that, I would have probably ended up in a sloppy blob in my room. Thank God for something to be able to hold on to.

I don't know how many times I cried today. I actually just finished a little spurt of tears. These last ones though weren't the insane, confused, angry, etc tears from the rest of the day. A moment of clarity and of understanding brought me such an overwhelming sense of love and grace it began to pour out of my eyes.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
And grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace shall lead me home

Sometimes I wish God was physical. Physically here I mean. It'd be a lot easier for me to go to Him first if I knew I'd feel His arms around me. I have before, but not as often as I plead.

-$1,500

I have been disappointed and probably a little hopeless off and on for a looong time now. A big portion of it has been concerning my one year of school debt that has taken me two years to pay off. I was set that God was going to pay it off by this last New Year. When that didn't happen I was utterly crushed. I had asked Him to take away the hope if that wasn't what He was planning on doing. That didn't happen. I actually had a lot of people encourage and give hope and different situations happened that soared my hope. And then January 1st happened. And January 8 followed. Still nothing. In fact I have been doing worse financially, not better. My hope was basically in pieces. I still don't understand. And I do still tear up a bit when I think of that time. I have more healing to do.

Today I paid towards my debt. Only a couple hundred dollars, but it's all I can really do. I have $1,500 to go. Not a lot compared to the debt that many people have in America, but certainly much more than I was hoping to have right now. But it seems like it's taken forever to get it down and with all I want to do this year it seems like a weight. I have decided though, that I will not be disappointed with what I see. I will not be disappointed that I don't have the money to pay it off, nor the job that pays as much as I want. I am going to rejoice! I am going to praise God for what He has given me. For the jobs and the provision that He has given thus far. I will rejoice because I know He'll take care of the rest. I have no cares because I've cast them all on Him! That's why I will rejoice. I thank God that I am only $1,500 in debt and it's ever decreasing. I thank Him for His overabundant gifts!

So thanks God. Love you!

giving

I had a fear spurt earlier. I looked at how much money I need and how much I will be making. I looked at how many things we're begging to be done and how much time I had. I looked at what was known and unknown about the future. All of that caused this spurt.

Financially speaking God spoke to me today. Later I realized... (actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing)... that He was speaking about all of it.

I heard Him tell me to give. More freely than before. If you know me, I'm not really a stingy person when it comes to giving and have found myself come up short because I want to give so much, so for God to tell me to give more... well, that was liberating and even more fearful at the same time. How am I suppose to give? What am I suppose to give to? I really don't know where to begin with this, but I'm not letting fear keep me from starting. I guess I'm just gonna go, and do, and say, and be.

That's my mission this month... give freely, extravagantly. Time, money, and even direction/encouragement. Let's see how it goes.

Disappointed God?

I was going through my "Lose The Baggage" material today. It's an inner healing workbook. It listed some lies that people often believe when relating to God as the Father. I was to read through them and pray through the ones I thought I struggled with. There were a couple I prayed through, but there was still something there that wasn't right. At the end of it all, LTB prompted me to write whatever lies that were inside me out and then profess the truth if they weren't already listed. I wrote the following:

Lie: The Father God is always expecting more from me. He is disappointed in me. I may seem good to the world around me, but He knows how I am and I am not enough.

If I heard someone else say this I would be appalled. Mostly. I would want to correct them and encourage them, but no scripture would be able to come to mind. I would feel like it was wrong, sense it, but I wouldn't have been able to put my finger on why. Why couldn't we disappoint God? Why wouldn't we? I've heard it all, but I didn't know how people could say that God isn't disappointed or upset with me. He's not expecting more. I'm not letting Him down. It didn't make sense to me. At all.

So here I was, having a great day before this moment and then in this tender moment I felt like I would never find an answer that would satisfy and abolish this "supposed" lie. I didn't want it to be true, but I couldn't see how it couldn't be. I looked up some verses and most of them were out of context and I couldn't really find anywhere that God said He was proud of me. And then pops up Colossians 2:10.

 "And in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority;"

 

In Him you have been made complete. In Him I have been made complete.

What does this have to do with disappointing God? That was my first thought, but I couldn't leave the verse right away. I read it again and then it hit me. Complete... means without lacking. I'm complete in Christ... I am not lacking because of Christ. The question no longer is "how could I not disappoint God?" It is now, "If I'm complete, not lacking, how I COULD disappoint? What in completeness is disappointing?

Wow. Thanks Jesus.

Single

Last night I talked with friend with whom I trade prayer requests periodically. Our prior prayer request trading he spoke of wanting his heart prepared and receiving direction in the pursuit of a woman. I'm not the greatest at remembering to pray all the time, so I prayed as soon as we stopped conversing.

As we updated last night he told me of an experience he had when he went to a worship event right after we had last chatted. He said that God spoke to him. That God asked him to pursue Him and be with Him and such (I don't remember exact words and don't want to butcher the what he shared). He said that it was the first time he ever really WANTED to be single. Content in singleness is what I got out of it. After we finished talking, I laid in bed halfway asleep, thinking, and two things struck me from this.

First, mere hours, if even that, after we prayed for God to give direction and prepare his heart... God began to answer. What better preparation of the heart than spending time with God, focusing on Him? What better way to truly find direction than with unspoiled contentedness? I thought that was cool. Gotta love my God.

Second, this young man has dated before, and while I have technically been on a date or two, I have never dated nor have I been 1/2 of a couple before. Bringing up his feeling of wanting to be single, he mentioned that it has been a while since he's been in a relationship. My unvoiced thoughts responded in a somewhat prideful manner, "Huh, I've been single my whole life." No longer than a moment passed before I was mentally checked. This contentedness in single life has nothing to do with how long one has been single. My being single didn't stem just from choice. Pride, fear, wisdom, and lack of prospects has kept me in this state. Some of the time I have been content, but I have to admit most of my recent history has been riddled with seeking out "the one," grumbling to God about loneliness, and cuddling up to my pillows wishing it were a warm, loving, good looking husband ;).
So as I listened to this man of God speak of the words that God had beckoned him with, I felt like God was beckoning me.

I want to answer His call. I want to be content in my singleness. Trusting fully in His path for me. :) Good God, good stuff.

Try Harder

After a long day of not talking with God much, putting Him on the back burner during my free time, and avoiding quality time because I didn't want to feel bad for procrastinating, I finally decided I needed to take communion before going to bed.

During the quiet of getting my heart right, I began my feeble apologies. Feeble... not that I wasn't sincere; I was just tired of being at that place again. Even as I continued the humbled cries, my mind's eye saw a kiss land upon my cheek.

At that moment I knew that God didn't want me continue this way. He didn't want to beat me. He didn't want me to dwell and wallow on my own filth. He didn't even want me to try harder.

It was that last thought that caused me most pause. He didn't want me to try harder...? Are we sure about this? Trying harder has always been my thought. That's how I fix things. I thought that's what He wanted me to do.

But those moments that followed these thoughts brought clarity for the briefest of times. So here I am trying to record it. He didn't want me to say I'll try harder, all He wanted was for me to receive His love. So I did.

And will continue to do throughout this night. I hope I will be wise enough to continue tomorrow.