I Am Hungry

I am hungry.
Not an unusual thing.

And of course,
My innate propensity
Is to satisfy
This natural occurrence.

The frequency of hunger
Has led me to make
Habits.

Yes habits,
Good and bad,
That fill my stomach.

Sadly, though
It seems,
The bad is more oft.

Junk food.
Sweets and worthless calories.
Gorging
Even on "good" food.

What satisfies me now?
What do I crave?

I am hungry.
How will I feed myself?
Do I follow my habits?
Or do I recreate?

I am hungry.
How will I feed my soul today?

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, "My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness." Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!

2 Corinthians 12:9 

Lately I've been given a lot of different opportunities to share God, to bless others with my talents, and to lead. In this same time period I have been appalled at myself for my lack of discipline (mostly concerning time usage), my extreme tiredness,  my low dosage of passion (for God or anything), and blatant dislike and unlove of some of God's precious people. Because of both of the extremes I have been confused, guilty feeling, and/or fearful. I see my failings and weaknesses and wonder, "How does God use someone as I?"

A few of these issues I know how to clean up, while others seem to be so hard for me. This verse, though not an excuse for sin or laziness, helped me today. I will not let my failings (which are all in the past... even if only a minute ago) bring me to guilt and fear, but I will rejoice to know that's not where I'm stuck. God's power and strength will help to overcome. His grace will lead me on. I will continue to walk on despite weaknesses- for God's glory and power will rest upon me. I will rejoice and glory in my infirmities- for God's grace and strength will shine brighter through it! 


God still used me despite my utter failings lately and He will continue to! This will not be an excuse to continue failing, but will be the reason I will continue rejoicing in Him and falling into His loving arms!

Leaving

Sometimes I feel tired and worn.
Sometimes I feel frustrated and confused.
Sometimes I feel pulled and weak.
Sometimes I feel like leaving.
Leaving this faith of mine.
Choosing not to listen.
Choosing not to be with.
Choosing not to live
Choosing not to love.
And as I turn to leave
I look at where this path leads.
It is then I realize and say,
"Lord, whom could I leave You for?
For You are the Holy One of Heaven and my Love."

Next To Me

I am listening to Sleeping At Last's beautiful song "Next To Me." It's a love song (though, the love in this song doesn't seem to have to be romantic).

When I hear it I began to feel wistful and almost as though I have romantic memories. As though I've actually been in such a relationship as the song describes. And though there have been a couple times I thought mutual interest would grow to more, I have never been in a "relationship."

Certain lines in the song really woo my heart. One in particular got me thinking.

"I know since we've grown we ache for those memories. Honestly, nothing's even compared to you next to me, next to me."

I began to contemplate if there really was anyone I could say this too (not even in a romantic sense). Is there anyone I would just long to be next to... more than revisiting any certain time? Or maybe there's a certain time with a certain person I would long for more than any other?

As I thought these thoughts feeling slightly lonely, I realized that I did have someone. My smiling Jesus. And He in turn tells me that nothing's even compared to me next to Him.

I smiled at this beautiful truth and became doleful at my lack of our nearness as of late.

So thank you Sleeping At Last for reminding who I long to be next to... and who yearns to be next to me.

I Shame Stronger

Pools slosh in my eyes.
I have forgotten You
    Yet again.
And while I yearn
    To be closer than skin
And crave
    To feel Your breath
I shame stronger.
My head reminds me of what I am
    What I've done
        And worse
            What I've left undone.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I long to respond
I shame stronger.
Foolishness, I know
But so has everything else
    Leading to this point
I feel too weak to exercise
How will I ever get strong?
How do I get to this point?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
May it strengthen me
for
I shame stronger
I am weepy
    Yet apathetic
This isn't true repentance
is it?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Could You just yell...
Or maybe physically grab me
You know You're what I want
I just have to get up
    But I seem to have forgotten how
I shame stronger
Put a feeling in me
Love
Anger
Conquering
Something other than this
This
This shame induced apathy
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Okay...
I'm rolling over
Feet hit the cold floor.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame strong
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I
Your whisper calls me nearer.
You

Hey heart. shut up.

tomorrow's stunning?

Today I behaved ugly a lot more than usual. I felt very ugly in my being. I wrote on Facebook that tomorrow I will be stunning. And I plan on it.

But as I thought about how will I be stunning tomorrow, these things came to me:

"I will be stunning by being accomplished. I will complete my list of things to do. I will not get stressed out. I will bless others. I will love and give and do..."

...BREATH...

 and then my train of thought was interrupted with the following:

"No, stunning is first achieved by being loved. The "do" is an overflow."