I Shame Stronger

Pools slosh in my eyes.
I have forgotten You
    Yet again.
And while I yearn
    To be closer than skin
And crave
    To feel Your breath
I shame stronger.
My head reminds me of what I am
    What I've done
        And worse
            What I've left undone.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I long to respond
I shame stronger.
Foolishness, I know
But so has everything else
    Leading to this point
I feel too weak to exercise
How will I ever get strong?
How do I get to this point?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
May it strengthen me
for
I shame stronger
I am weepy
    Yet apathetic
This isn't true repentance
is it?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Could You just yell...
Or maybe physically grab me
You know You're what I want
I just have to get up
    But I seem to have forgotten how
I shame stronger
Put a feeling in me
Love
Anger
Conquering
Something other than this
This
This shame induced apathy
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Okay...
I'm rolling over
Feet hit the cold floor.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame strong
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I
Your whisper calls me nearer.
You

Hey heart. shut up.

tomorrow's stunning?

Today I behaved ugly a lot more than usual. I felt very ugly in my being. I wrote on Facebook that tomorrow I will be stunning. And I plan on it.

But as I thought about how will I be stunning tomorrow, these things came to me:

"I will be stunning by being accomplished. I will complete my list of things to do. I will not get stressed out. I will bless others. I will love and give and do..."

...BREATH...

 and then my train of thought was interrupted with the following:

"No, stunning is first achieved by being loved. The "do" is an overflow."

a crazy mind and grace

I was pretty close to a melt-down today. I won't go into gory details. It was probably one of the more severe emotional experiences I've had. Well, I don't know if all of it was emotional. Some pretty freaky stuff happened in my mind as well. I didn't quite like it. That's what made me emotional, or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. Basically, if I didn't have to do my job and focus on that, I would have probably ended up in a sloppy blob in my room. Thank God for something to be able to hold on to.

I don't know how many times I cried today. I actually just finished a little spurt of tears. These last ones though weren't the insane, confused, angry, etc tears from the rest of the day. A moment of clarity and of understanding brought me such an overwhelming sense of love and grace it began to pour out of my eyes.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
And grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace shall lead me home

Sometimes I wish God was physical. Physically here I mean. It'd be a lot easier for me to go to Him first if I knew I'd feel His arms around me. I have before, but not as often as I plead.

-$1,500

I have been disappointed and probably a little hopeless off and on for a looong time now. A big portion of it has been concerning my one year of school debt that has taken me two years to pay off. I was set that God was going to pay it off by this last New Year. When that didn't happen I was utterly crushed. I had asked Him to take away the hope if that wasn't what He was planning on doing. That didn't happen. I actually had a lot of people encourage and give hope and different situations happened that soared my hope. And then January 1st happened. And January 8 followed. Still nothing. In fact I have been doing worse financially, not better. My hope was basically in pieces. I still don't understand. And I do still tear up a bit when I think of that time. I have more healing to do.

Today I paid towards my debt. Only a couple hundred dollars, but it's all I can really do. I have $1,500 to go. Not a lot compared to the debt that many people have in America, but certainly much more than I was hoping to have right now. But it seems like it's taken forever to get it down and with all I want to do this year it seems like a weight. I have decided though, that I will not be disappointed with what I see. I will not be disappointed that I don't have the money to pay it off, nor the job that pays as much as I want. I am going to rejoice! I am going to praise God for what He has given me. For the jobs and the provision that He has given thus far. I will rejoice because I know He'll take care of the rest. I have no cares because I've cast them all on Him! That's why I will rejoice. I thank God that I am only $1,500 in debt and it's ever decreasing. I thank Him for His overabundant gifts!

So thanks God. Love you!

giving

I had a fear spurt earlier. I looked at how much money I need and how much I will be making. I looked at how many things we're begging to be done and how much time I had. I looked at what was known and unknown about the future. All of that caused this spurt.

Financially speaking God spoke to me today. Later I realized... (actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing)... that He was speaking about all of it.

I heard Him tell me to give. More freely than before. If you know me, I'm not really a stingy person when it comes to giving and have found myself come up short because I want to give so much, so for God to tell me to give more... well, that was liberating and even more fearful at the same time. How am I suppose to give? What am I suppose to give to? I really don't know where to begin with this, but I'm not letting fear keep me from starting. I guess I'm just gonna go, and do, and say, and be.

That's my mission this month... give freely, extravagantly. Time, money, and even direction/encouragement. Let's see how it goes.