Unfathomable Grace

My head is throbbing. I feel like something is slowly trying to chip its way through my skull, and, if it would cease this pain, I wouldn't mind if it succeeded.

There hasn't been very many days in the last month or so that I haven't dealt with some sort of ailment. It's been suggested that my body is building its immune system to deal with my newest relocation.

Relocation. this is the sixth place I've stayed in the last year. There's one more move coming up soon. This move involves a relatively more permanent place... and my own bed. How sweet the words!

With my immune system taking a beating the last little while, I've been reflecting a lot. Not necessarily in a good way. I can easily get stuck in my own head, and for multiple reasons ranging from ...
Big changes (you know, moving countries and everything that comes with that) to
Feeling lonely to
Personal sin (and the shame that follows) to
lots of uncertainty...
I haven't really enjoyed my head lately.

When I don't enjoy my thoughts, I tend to find ways to distract them. This leads me to wasting time in many forms (none of which are studying Polish or something useful like that, because why would I do that?), which in turn leads me to more thoughts of disdain. Oh the cycle!

I know I'm not the only one. I've read and heard from others who have been in a similar cycle recently... which is one of two reasons why I am sharing this. The other reason is for my own personal sanity. What stays in the dark, stays with you.

Even with this emotional torrent that has been stirring inside me the last month.. I feel something different tonight. I know it's been there the whole time, but maybe because I'm finally allowing myself to accept it, can I finally feel it.

Unfathomable Grace.

Physically my head is throbbing in pain. Emotionally I feel as though a couple layers of skin have been removed form me, and I am raw and tender to everything. My mind seems to be playing a video loop of memories and thoughts glazed with shame. I know it's there, playing within my peripheral. I can see it, but I'm not looking at it. Not any more.

In my spirit I feel a thick, cool salve being gently applied and wrapped around my wounds. Nothing I have done is deserving of the level of sweetness of relief it brings, yet it's there. And the grace grows.

Once again this month I am overwhelmed, but it's different this time.

Unfathomable grace.

10:25 PM

Hope comes and spreads
Like molasses
Over the burnt edges
Of the heart

10:25 PM

A time for healing
And rest

A wonder to behold

A thought in the dark
Revealed in the light

Joy of the Lord?

My cheeks burn
Salty tears have dripped them raw.

My body shakes
Shivers and ripples of mourning.

My mind incoherent
Woulda, coulda, shoulda's spinning.

My heart aches
Pining for comforting arms

My head pounds
Angry fists ream behind my eyes

My ears strain
The joy of the Lord is my strength?

My soul cries
Let me know the truth.

My ears strain
The joy of the Lord is my strength?

My spirit hopes
Let it be the truth.

My ears strain
The joy of the Lord is my strength?

The Spirit beckons
This is the Truth.

My ears sigh
The joy of The Lord is my strength.

There is Ever Yet a Battle

There is ever yet a battle.

A constant fight for my attentions.

As though two lovers would have my heart.

But are they my lovers?
Am I theirs?

Do I choose

Do I love

The one that truly loves me back

Or do I prey into the consuming

Of the one who would seduce my destruction

The one who would seduce my destruction

It is though I am paper

Easily blown by the breeze

Easily burned by the fire

Carried away

And ashed

Then carried away again

There is ever yet a battle

One promises to keep and hold me

Protect me

Lead me

Love me

Guide me

One promises freedom

My wishes granted

No strings on my kite

But to fly free in the wind

Fly free to my destruction

False freedom seduces me to my destruction

So what do I do?

It is easier to please the moment’s desire

Than to work for the grandest of prizes

Yet is it worth it.

There is ever yet a battle

I choose the outcome

To not choose is to

I may choose to walk

Into the arms of love

Of my Lover

I may choose to stand still

Waste away

Into the icy claws of temptation

Momentary delicious temptation

As I write it seems plain and clear

Foolishness is evident with ink

If only I had a pen

For every moment of battle

There is ever yet a battle

And I have the choice

And I have the pen before me

And I have the wisdom before me

I will seize the moment

This moment of clarity

And pray it strengthens my wisdom

For there is ever yet a battle

There is ever yet a battle

And I will choose the outcome 

Your Hands Cover Mine

Have I put You first?

Have I put You most?

Have I loved You first?
Have I loved You most?

I fear these questions

For I fear their answers

I sorrow at these questions

For I sorrow at their answers

What is repentance

Without penance

Yet, I’m further from repentance

The more I give my penance

My sacrifice is nothing

Without obedience

I sacrifice nothing

Without obedience

You are holy

I am not

Great is your holiness

Great is my not

I look at my hands

I see their dirty weakness

I look at your hands

I see their perfect strength

I give my hands to you

Your hands cover mine

I give my filth to you

Your holy covers me

I am not

You are all

You took my not

You gave me all

Time after time

Curse after curse

Fail after fail

Sin after sin

My sin on a tree

The death of me

My God on a tree

The life of me

I look at my hands

I see their dirty weakness

I look at your hands

I see their perfect strength

I give my hands to you

Your hands cover mine

I give my filth to you

Your holy covers me

A price beyond what I can pay

I have found a Redeemer

A love beyond penance

I have found repentance

I am Yours, I am loved
Your hands cover me

I am Yours, I am loved

I am Yours, I am loved

Achingly Returning

Last night I spoke with an old friend that I had not been in contact with for the last couple years. We were pretty good friends back then. At least I thought so. It seemed though, that ignoring my calls and texts and Facebook writings came as easily as breathing. Obviously I was hurt and saddened by all this. Any time this friend's name came up or a memory with said person passed through my mind I would volley emotionally back and forth between feeling angry and unwanted, undesirable, rejected.

It's interesting though, when I realized that this old friend was initiating conversation, these feelings did flare up, but they were so eclipsed by my excitement of the possibility of renewed friendship that I had to remind myself I was "mad" at this person. I wanted to know why, but at the same time, for the night, it didn't really matter. I hope there's many more chances for dialogue in the near future.

But it's not really the friend that I'm wanting to write about.

During the moments between texts that preceded our phone call, I was amazed at the emotion within me. The desire to cling to this person in a never-ending hug was probably one of my strongest pulls to ever do so. If distance wasn't such an issue I may have done such that. My emotions didn't so much surprise me as they amazed me with a certain revelation.

At one moment I saw a picture of me returning to the throne room of God. By the look on my face and the split second of feeling my heart, I realized I was coming back not to draw near, but because I had done wrong. I looked so shameful, but at the same moment I was able to feel what my Creator was feeling. It was how I felt about my friend, except stronger. As disappointed and hurt as I was about my friend's rejection of me, I was a 100x's more rejoicing at their return and aching to be ever nearer. I felt as God was telling me that's what it's like when we return to Him.

There's a song I really enjoy by the Vespers. It's called "Will You Love Me" and it's basically talking about returning to God asking if He still loves. We know the answer, but it's hard to believe sometimes. But He's there. Waiting. Forgiving. Loving. In the moment of shame He silences fears with tenderness and a giant hug.

I know this returning to Him doesn't excuse me from anything I've done. As I will be soon seeking to root out some hurts with my friend for the sake our friendship, God will bring us back to what we did in order to heal the wounds. And I'm glad. It's what will make the friendship good. It's what makes the trust come back. It gives hope.

I don't know if this made sense to any of the five people who read my blogs, but I hope you realize how desperately God wants you, and how ready He is for you to jump into His arms.

I Am Hungry

I am hungry.
Not an unusual thing.

And of course,
My innate propensity
Is to satisfy
This natural occurrence.

The frequency of hunger
Has led me to make
Habits.

Yes habits,
Good and bad,
That fill my stomach.

Sadly, though
It seems,
The bad is more oft.

Junk food.
Sweets and worthless calories.
Gorging
Even on "good" food.

What satisfies me now?
What do I crave?

I am hungry.
How will I feed myself?
Do I follow my habits?
Or do I recreate?

I am hungry.
How will I feed my soul today?

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, "My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness." Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!

2 Corinthians 12:9 

Lately I've been given a lot of different opportunities to share God, to bless others with my talents, and to lead. In this same time period I have been appalled at myself for my lack of discipline (mostly concerning time usage), my extreme tiredness,  my low dosage of passion (for God or anything), and blatant dislike and unlove of some of God's precious people. Because of both of the extremes I have been confused, guilty feeling, and/or fearful. I see my failings and weaknesses and wonder, "How does God use someone as I?"

A few of these issues I know how to clean up, while others seem to be so hard for me. This verse, though not an excuse for sin or laziness, helped me today. I will not let my failings (which are all in the past... even if only a minute ago) bring me to guilt and fear, but I will rejoice to know that's not where I'm stuck. God's power and strength will help to overcome. His grace will lead me on. I will continue to walk on despite weaknesses- for God's glory and power will rest upon me. I will rejoice and glory in my infirmities- for God's grace and strength will shine brighter through it! 


God still used me despite my utter failings lately and He will continue to! This will not be an excuse to continue failing, but will be the reason I will continue rejoicing in Him and falling into His loving arms!

Leaving

Sometimes I feel tired and worn.
Sometimes I feel frustrated and confused.
Sometimes I feel pulled and weak.
Sometimes I feel like leaving.
Leaving this faith of mine.
Choosing not to listen.
Choosing not to be with.
Choosing not to live
Choosing not to love.
And as I turn to leave
I look at where this path leads.
It is then I realize and say,
"Lord, whom could I leave You for?
For You are the Holy One of Heaven and my Love."

Next To Me

I am listening to Sleeping At Last's beautiful song "Next To Me." It's a love song (though, the love in this song doesn't seem to have to be romantic).

When I hear it I began to feel wistful and almost as though I have romantic memories. As though I've actually been in such a relationship as the song describes. And though there have been a couple times I thought mutual interest would grow to more, I have never been in a "relationship."

Certain lines in the song really woo my heart. One in particular got me thinking.

"I know since we've grown we ache for those memories. Honestly, nothing's even compared to you next to me, next to me."

I began to contemplate if there really was anyone I could say this too (not even in a romantic sense). Is there anyone I would just long to be next to... more than revisiting any certain time? Or maybe there's a certain time with a certain person I would long for more than any other?

As I thought these thoughts feeling slightly lonely, I realized that I did have someone. My smiling Jesus. And He in turn tells me that nothing's even compared to me next to Him.

I smiled at this beautiful truth and became doleful at my lack of our nearness as of late.

So thank you Sleeping At Last for reminding who I long to be next to... and who yearns to be next to me.

I Shame Stronger

Pools slosh in my eyes.
I have forgotten You
    Yet again.
And while I yearn
    To be closer than skin
And crave
    To feel Your breath
I shame stronger.
My head reminds me of what I am
    What I've done
        And worse
            What I've left undone.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I long to respond
I shame stronger.
Foolishness, I know
But so has everything else
    Leading to this point
I feel too weak to exercise
How will I ever get strong?
How do I get to this point?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
May it strengthen me
for
I shame stronger
I am weepy
    Yet apathetic
This isn't true repentance
is it?
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Could You just yell...
Or maybe physically grab me
You know You're what I want
I just have to get up
    But I seem to have forgotten how
I shame stronger
Put a feeling in me
Love
Anger
Conquering
Something other than this
This
This shame induced apathy
Your whisper calls me nearer.
Okay...
I'm rolling over
Feet hit the cold floor.
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame strong
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I shame
Your whisper calls me nearer.
I
Your whisper calls me nearer.
You

Hey heart. shut up.

tomorrow's stunning?

Today I behaved ugly a lot more than usual. I felt very ugly in my being. I wrote on Facebook that tomorrow I will be stunning. And I plan on it.

But as I thought about how will I be stunning tomorrow, these things came to me:

"I will be stunning by being accomplished. I will complete my list of things to do. I will not get stressed out. I will bless others. I will love and give and do..."

...BREATH...

 and then my train of thought was interrupted with the following:

"No, stunning is first achieved by being loved. The "do" is an overflow."

a crazy mind and grace

I was pretty close to a melt-down today. I won't go into gory details. It was probably one of the more severe emotional experiences I've had. Well, I don't know if all of it was emotional. Some pretty freaky stuff happened in my mind as well. I didn't quite like it. That's what made me emotional, or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. Basically, if I didn't have to do my job and focus on that, I would have probably ended up in a sloppy blob in my room. Thank God for something to be able to hold on to.

I don't know how many times I cried today. I actually just finished a little spurt of tears. These last ones though weren't the insane, confused, angry, etc tears from the rest of the day. A moment of clarity and of understanding brought me such an overwhelming sense of love and grace it began to pour out of my eyes.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
And grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace shall lead me home

Sometimes I wish God was physical. Physically here I mean. It'd be a lot easier for me to go to Him first if I knew I'd feel His arms around me. I have before, but not as often as I plead.

-$1,500

I have been disappointed and probably a little hopeless off and on for a looong time now. A big portion of it has been concerning my one year of school debt that has taken me two years to pay off. I was set that God was going to pay it off by this last New Year. When that didn't happen I was utterly crushed. I had asked Him to take away the hope if that wasn't what He was planning on doing. That didn't happen. I actually had a lot of people encourage and give hope and different situations happened that soared my hope. And then January 1st happened. And January 8 followed. Still nothing. In fact I have been doing worse financially, not better. My hope was basically in pieces. I still don't understand. And I do still tear up a bit when I think of that time. I have more healing to do.

Today I paid towards my debt. Only a couple hundred dollars, but it's all I can really do. I have $1,500 to go. Not a lot compared to the debt that many people have in America, but certainly much more than I was hoping to have right now. But it seems like it's taken forever to get it down and with all I want to do this year it seems like a weight. I have decided though, that I will not be disappointed with what I see. I will not be disappointed that I don't have the money to pay it off, nor the job that pays as much as I want. I am going to rejoice! I am going to praise God for what He has given me. For the jobs and the provision that He has given thus far. I will rejoice because I know He'll take care of the rest. I have no cares because I've cast them all on Him! That's why I will rejoice. I thank God that I am only $1,500 in debt and it's ever decreasing. I thank Him for His overabundant gifts!

So thanks God. Love you!

giving

I had a fear spurt earlier. I looked at how much money I need and how much I will be making. I looked at how many things we're begging to be done and how much time I had. I looked at what was known and unknown about the future. All of that caused this spurt.

Financially speaking God spoke to me today. Later I realized... (actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing)... that He was speaking about all of it.

I heard Him tell me to give. More freely than before. If you know me, I'm not really a stingy person when it comes to giving and have found myself come up short because I want to give so much, so for God to tell me to give more... well, that was liberating and even more fearful at the same time. How am I suppose to give? What am I suppose to give to? I really don't know where to begin with this, but I'm not letting fear keep me from starting. I guess I'm just gonna go, and do, and say, and be.

That's my mission this month... give freely, extravagantly. Time, money, and even direction/encouragement. Let's see how it goes.

Disappointed God?

I was going through my "Lose The Baggage" material today. It's an inner healing workbook. It listed some lies that people often believe when relating to God as the Father. I was to read through them and pray through the ones I thought I struggled with. There were a couple I prayed through, but there was still something there that wasn't right. At the end of it all, LTB prompted me to write whatever lies that were inside me out and then profess the truth if they weren't already listed. I wrote the following:

Lie: The Father God is always expecting more from me. He is disappointed in me. I may seem good to the world around me, but He knows how I am and I am not enough.

If I heard someone else say this I would be appalled. Mostly. I would want to correct them and encourage them, but no scripture would be able to come to mind. I would feel like it was wrong, sense it, but I wouldn't have been able to put my finger on why. Why couldn't we disappoint God? Why wouldn't we? I've heard it all, but I didn't know how people could say that God isn't disappointed or upset with me. He's not expecting more. I'm not letting Him down. It didn't make sense to me. At all.

So here I was, having a great day before this moment and then in this tender moment I felt like I would never find an answer that would satisfy and abolish this "supposed" lie. I didn't want it to be true, but I couldn't see how it couldn't be. I looked up some verses and most of them were out of context and I couldn't really find anywhere that God said He was proud of me. And then pops up Colossians 2:10.

 "And in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority;"

 

In Him you have been made complete. In Him I have been made complete.

What does this have to do with disappointing God? That was my first thought, but I couldn't leave the verse right away. I read it again and then it hit me. Complete... means without lacking. I'm complete in Christ... I am not lacking because of Christ. The question no longer is "how could I not disappoint God?" It is now, "If I'm complete, not lacking, how I COULD disappoint? What in completeness is disappointing?

Wow. Thanks Jesus.

Single

Last night I talked with friend with whom I trade prayer requests periodically. Our prior prayer request trading he spoke of wanting his heart prepared and receiving direction in the pursuit of a woman. I'm not the greatest at remembering to pray all the time, so I prayed as soon as we stopped conversing.

As we updated last night he told me of an experience he had when he went to a worship event right after we had last chatted. He said that God spoke to him. That God asked him to pursue Him and be with Him and such (I don't remember exact words and don't want to butcher the what he shared). He said that it was the first time he ever really WANTED to be single. Content in singleness is what I got out of it. After we finished talking, I laid in bed halfway asleep, thinking, and two things struck me from this.

First, mere hours, if even that, after we prayed for God to give direction and prepare his heart... God began to answer. What better preparation of the heart than spending time with God, focusing on Him? What better way to truly find direction than with unspoiled contentedness? I thought that was cool. Gotta love my God.

Second, this young man has dated before, and while I have technically been on a date or two, I have never dated nor have I been 1/2 of a couple before. Bringing up his feeling of wanting to be single, he mentioned that it has been a while since he's been in a relationship. My unvoiced thoughts responded in a somewhat prideful manner, "Huh, I've been single my whole life." No longer than a moment passed before I was mentally checked. This contentedness in single life has nothing to do with how long one has been single. My being single didn't stem just from choice. Pride, fear, wisdom, and lack of prospects has kept me in this state. Some of the time I have been content, but I have to admit most of my recent history has been riddled with seeking out "the one," grumbling to God about loneliness, and cuddling up to my pillows wishing it were a warm, loving, good looking husband ;).
So as I listened to this man of God speak of the words that God had beckoned him with, I felt like God was beckoning me.

I want to answer His call. I want to be content in my singleness. Trusting fully in His path for me. :) Good God, good stuff.

Try Harder

After a long day of not talking with God much, putting Him on the back burner during my free time, and avoiding quality time because I didn't want to feel bad for procrastinating, I finally decided I needed to take communion before going to bed.

During the quiet of getting my heart right, I began my feeble apologies. Feeble... not that I wasn't sincere; I was just tired of being at that place again. Even as I continued the humbled cries, my mind's eye saw a kiss land upon my cheek.

At that moment I knew that God didn't want me continue this way. He didn't want to beat me. He didn't want me to dwell and wallow on my own filth. He didn't even want me to try harder.

It was that last thought that caused me most pause. He didn't want me to try harder...? Are we sure about this? Trying harder has always been my thought. That's how I fix things. I thought that's what He wanted me to do.

But those moments that followed these thoughts brought clarity for the briefest of times. So here I am trying to record it. He didn't want me to say I'll try harder, all He wanted was for me to receive His love. So I did.

And will continue to do throughout this night. I hope I will be wise enough to continue tomorrow.